Well it’s been a couple of weeks since my sweetie basically blew her whole world to smithereens by finally “coming out” to her Mom and Dad about her and I… and Life here at “El Casa De Neko” went into a serious downturn happiness-wise. Not that anything has changed between Carolyn and I… but it’s been terrible for her to feel so rejected by her parents and seeing her dealing with that has me so sad and angry and feeling generally impotent to do anything about it at all. In short we both feel miserable most of the time lately… 😦
But…. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least try my darnedest to beat those nasty blues and make things better. Wanna hear about it? Then, Gentle Visitors, it’s time to “Read On” and hear all about my recent efforts to put a smile back on my sweetie’s face where it belongs.
Yep. You know about that whole idea that “The truth shall set you free”?… Well I’m here to tell you that oft times that’s nothing more than a bunch of wishful thinking by people without any idea just how crappy a notion it all really is in practice. 😦
Nope… this definitely hasn’t been the “liberating” experience you hear about sometimes. Carolyn got well and truly sucker punched by her parents on this. Her Mom… who used to call her up at least once a week hasn’t spoken to her since that dinner. In a way, I almost think she’s had it easy…. Her poor sister Sandra has been getting a regular earful from Mrs. Simms over the phone practically every day since then. You know…. “I can’t believe your sister could ever think something this sick would ever be alright with us….” and “My God, Sandra…. If you knew about it all these years, why did you keep something like this from us.”…. Ahhhhh…. and probably my own personal favorite…. “You let her bring that kind of disgusting behavior around the kids? What in hell were you thinking?”
Grrrrrr!!! I have to keep reminding myself…. she’s Carolyn’s mother… all those mean bigoted thoughts aside, she’ll always be Carolyn’s mother. Lucky for her. If she were a total stranger, I’m pretty sure I’d find it hard not to want to punch her in the face. Really… really hard. Oooohhh!! And scream at her…. a whole lot… about the nasty way she’s treating both her wonderful daughters who deserve someone soooo much more loving and understanding than her.
Whew…. There. I’ve gotten that particular bit of anger of my chest before it made me all crazy.
I had hoped that Sandra might be able to act in the role of mediator in all of this… calm her mom down… get her to realize that Carolyn is still the same person she’s always been and that there wasn’t anything sick or disgusting or perverted about the fact that the person she finally fell hopelessly in love with just happened to be goofy lil’ me… but that just wasn’t going to happen. As it is, Sandra’s just slightly lower on her Mom’s “shit list” for her “collaboration” in enabling Carolyn to continue her sinful ways all this time. And so…. what’s developed is our own version of “The Cold War”…. except without the big red telephone to keep links through the “Iron Curtain”. Thank goodness Sandra is at least willing to remain in the dubiously useful roll of “Swiss Ambassador”, keeping the lines of communication from closing up completely. (Goodness… even at times like this, I’m still only able to deal with it all by reducing the situation to the plot of a really bad spy thriller… Definitely too darn many movies in my wee years…. but apparently now it’s just how I’m wired to cope.)
Given this, you can imagine how things have been at the apartment these last few weeks. We continue our day to day stuff… and on the surface Carolyn acts like it’s behind her, but I still catch those little things that tell me it’s not. Like the way she looks whenever the phone rings and it turns out to be work looking for me about some stupid little thing, or the way she hasn’t slept well since she came home from her “coming out” dinner, constantly tossing and turning in her sleep. And… the thing that tears me up the most… is the little hints like the empty Kleenex boxes I find now that tells me she cries when she’s alone and doesn’t think I know. She doesn’t want me to know… doesn’t want me to feel like it’s my fault.. but the more I know she’s doing it the worse I feel. 😦
So. Wanting to be as supportive and helpful a girlfriend as I can be, I’ve been wracking my brain for ideas to help me shake away these crappy feelings that seem to want to suffocate us both. I want to be happy again… I should be happy… Carolyn has done something that tells me she loves me beyond anything else in her life. Of all the other women she’s been with in the years since since High School… I’m the only one she risked it all for. It makes me feel so special to be treasured like that… and so guilty all at the same time… and it makes me want to make it all right so much it’s nearly all I think about.
What to do… what to do. Sigh… Well, when all else fails, good food fixes everything. It’s the cook in me…. and there’s nothing more zen-like or calming than the warmth and cozy familiarity of the kitchen when this wee lady needs to work out her problems. (Well… and of course the yummy fun of sharing the results of my culinary tinkering with someone I love….)
So with that I set myself to the task of coming up with the perfect summery meal to surprise Carolyn with to take advantage of the recent brief streak of warm Spring weather that has finally decided to show up and banish the chill of Winter once and for all. So… finding a flirty summer dress and sunhat and packing my picnic basket with goodies I took the bus up to the college this last Tuesday and brazenly stole away my sweetie from her work, giving her the nicest lil’ kiss and tugging her away from her desk telling her amused co-workers she most definitely wouldn’t be back for the rest of the day. It definitely surprised Carolyn… and I could tell she was a little embarrassed to have me make such a scene, but darn it… it also put that crooked lil’ smile back on her face where I hadn’t seen it in far too long of late. Thank goodness she’s got nice friends at work to cover for her… and a wee bit of personal time to fritter away at a moments notice when her girlfriend goes all impulsively crazy. 😉
The park, down by the river where we do Tai-Chi when its nice out was still a bit brown… and the grass hadn’t recovered from Winters ravages yet nor were the trees even budding, but the sky was blue, the breeze warm and the river that color you can only get beneath the bluest sky. We had a wonderful meal on the blanket I brought to sit on…. spicy pulled pork sandwiches in Korean Gochujang sauce on grilled ciabatta rolls with Kim-chi and a bottle of raspberry Merlot to wash it all down. Mmmmmm…
I didn’t actually bring along any dessert…. but I can say Carolyn definitely got some sweets she’ll remember once our meal was over… and I made certain to let her know just how much her sacrifice… her pain… and everything that she’s had to suffer was as much mine as hers… that she didn’t have to carry it herself or try to shield me from the fallout. We’re a couple. That means we share.
We talked… we cuddled… and we stayed there by the river on the blanket all the rest of that afternoon until I could tell it was cooling off and we needed to head home. It was a nice time… and I got a promise from Carolyn that she wouldn’t let herself dwell on her Mom’s stubborn refusal to accept things. We’re moving forward… not looking back… and come what may, we’ll be doing it together. I like that… and I know she does too.
**Ahem**… so for now anyway that’s our current situation… next up, in the next month or so, will be my turn to “tell the folks”… just as soon as I can arrange a trip out to California to visit them. This most definitely isn’t something I can do over the phone… oh, no…
So, that’s my “Diary” this time out, Gentle Visitors, and hopefully I’ll get the chance in the next day or so to get back with another review, but until then, I hope Spring is being better to you than it has for me and “Meow. meow for now!!”