Time for another wee bit of silly mind-rotting cinema fun and a look at the new British Horror/ comedy mash-up, “Strippers Vs. Werewolves”. What? You mean you really didn’t know that the eternal enemy of Werewolves wasn’t Vampires but Exotic Dancers instead? Well consider yourself lucky a certain goofy Catgirl was around to set the record straight and keep you all informed of such things…. Hehehe!!
Our synopsis goes along these lines: “At the “Vixens” strip club, a dancer named Justice performs a private lap dance for Mickey, a man who violates the no-touching policy … by sprouting fangs and claws and trying to eat her! Justice panics and takes the only option open to her: she drives a silver fountain pen through Mickey’s eye, into his brain, killing him instantly. Oops…
Jeanette, the club’s owner, believes murdering customers is bad for business, so she orders the club’s bouncer to quietly dispose of the body. There the matter should end … if Mickey hadn’t been a member of a bloodthirsty and vengeful pack of werewolves.
When Mickey’s corpse surfaces, Jack Ferris, the werewolves’ charming and vicious leader, swears bloody vengeance and sends his pack out to hunt down the killers. Little does he know, Justice is actually the fiancée of his second in command, Scott. To make matters worse, Justice bites Scott during sex and now may be infected with the curse of lycanthropy herself!
Add to the mix the masturbating man-child werewolf Barker, Sinclair, a nerdy occultist with low self-esteem, a few sexy Vampire girls, and a bevy of the most beautiful women this side of heaven and you have the perfect recipe for balls to the wall, skimpily clad, strippers on werewolves action-packed goodness.”
Now…. My sweetie, Carolyn, is always bugging me to find us more movies, without subtitles, where everybody speaks English for a change…. even if it does look like one of my utterly crap-tastic “guilty pleasure” baaaaad movies. Hehehe…. well… they do speak English in this one. I can at least promise her that much….. 😉
So. What are you waiting for, silly? You can’t fool me… you know you wanna “Read On”…. a certain Catgirl Princess knows you only too well… 🙂
As expected, this film got me “the Look” on “Movie Nite” when I pulled it out of the DVD’s in my big ol’ “to watch” pile. You know “the Look” I’m talking about…. The one where Carolyn rolls her eyes and wonders… even if just for a moment… if she’s not hopelessly in love with a lunatic with absolutely the worst taste in cinema on the planet. Yep…. that would be me. I always know how bad films like this one are going to be, but somehow I can just never resist the downright silly exploitative fun to be had just turning off my brain and giggling my way through one of these cinema “junk food” movies… If nothing else, I was certain I’d get that experience with a viewing of this one…
It’s been a while since I gave a British horror/ comedy a look-see. The reason? Well mostly it’s because the delicate blending of scares and laughs is often a hard thing to balance and actually get right. “Shaun of the Dead” pulled it off… so did “American Werewolf in London”, but lately the wonderfully titled films “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and “Zombie Women of Satan” both kind of blew it…. big time. Seems our good friends in England are undeterred though, and so it was with little real expectations that I snagged a copy of this one when it hit Region 2. At the very least I expected a wee bit of naughty fun and a few low-brow laughs while Carolyn and I cuddled with Ting-ting and made fun of it all…. now that’s entertainment!
That’s about all we did get too…. Our movie wants to be “Zombie Strippers” meets “Underworld” but somehow it just can’t pull that together. We get a reasonably cute bunch of girls…. a fairly good group of motley “London Gangsters gone Wolf”, the legendary B-movie actress Sarah Douglas and even a cameo scene or two with horror icon Robert Englund of “Freddy Krueger” fame along with some pretty good werewolf makeup effects to boot. But sadly…. it’s just not enough.
The story starts out simply enough, with the explosion at a strip club waaaay back in the 80’s that was apparently the last lil’ fracas between our gangster werewolves and a plucky group of strippers that didn’t want to pay protection money or end up as tasty nutritional supplements for our hungry wolf pack. 30 years later… the club’s owner Jeanette (played by Sarah Douglas) and her favorite bartender and right hand man Harry are laying low while plying their old trade at a new club… all the while keeping a wary eye peeled for the return of those old enemies.
Since our movie is pretty short… that happens right away with a lap dance gone horribly wrong resulting in perky lil’ dancer Justice (played by Adele Silva) having to fend off the carnivorous advances of a werewolf named Mickey. Luckily for her…. she’s able to stab our over stimulated monster in the eye with a silver fountain pen. Seems silver to the brain works just as well as silver to the heart, just one of the new werewolf rules used to move our story along. Jeanette knows this death, even as well deserved as it was, will bring trouble, so it isn’t long before she’s making certain the body is long gone to keep trouble from following in it’s wake.
This should be where the fun starts… and the movie does try… but unfortunately we soon get bogged down in the rather juvenile day to day lives of our werewolf gang and the rather bland and uninteresting lives of our would be stripper heroines. Strangely enough… for a movie about strippers… there practically no nudity outside of a girl in a changing booth in the storefront of the werewolf gang’s HQ and a paltry few scenes at the Vixen’s club. Hmmmm? Guess our aspiring dancers should have taken a few lessons from either Jenna Jameson and the ladies of “Zombie Strippers” or the Japanese AV girls of “Big Tits Zombie” ’cause mostly these girls are just a wee bit “overdressed” for their job description…
A promising development comes along when we find that “good girl” stripper Justice is currently involved with a hunky guy Carlos (played by Marc Baylis)… who secretly turns out to be one of the werewolf gang members. Naturally they both are hiding their “secret life” from the other…. and this could have been a great little chance for some sweet “Romeo and Juliet” style romantic subplot. Instead, the hunky guy turns out to be a jerk and plans to kill sweet Justice the moment she “contracts” his curse rather than let a girl in the “all boys club”. Darn….
Another neat idea, is the odd romantic pairing between another of the girls, Raven (played by Barbara Nedeljakova) and geeky occult expert and part time “vampire hunter”, Sinclair (played by Simon Phillips). She’s sexy, exotic, and waaaay out of his league, he’s geeky and bookish and not exactly from the Van Helsing school of action heroes…. there’s some really funny stuff that could come out of this, as our two try sooo darn hard to overcome their obvious differences and find some common ground upon which to make their relationship work. It almost works…. but the chemistry just isn’t there and ultimately I couldn’t buy it….
Basically that’s the overall problem with our film. It’s…. clumsy. It just doesn’t hit the right notes at the right times. The humor isn’t funny when it should be, clever when it needs to be, or bloody and over-the-top when it has to be. It’s close… but we all know that close only counts in the game of “Horseshoes” or with hand grenades…. Ahhhh… and Horror Icon Robert Englund? Seems all our budget could manage was a couple of scenes with him as the ex-leader of the pack, now just a creepy prisoner at one of Her Majesty’s Prisons off somewhere near the Moors. A shame, given that I was sorta hoping to see Robert get to “go wolf” and get his hands dirty…..
Now… mind you… the last 20 minutes or so…. once the grand Battle Royal between the dancers and the monsters gets underway is worth the price of admission, but you have to sit through most of our film before that pays off. Here things get interesting, as we find out that werewolves lose their powers, including their freakish ability to regenerate even fatal wounds, when exposed to UV light… a neat idea used to hilarious success earlier in the film when Raven and fellow stripper Dani hold the entire vicious gang at bay with a shotgun and a tanning bed.
Do the ladies win the day? Well… let’s just say our sequel’s going to have to go under the title of “Werewolf Strippers Vs. Vampire Punks” and leave it at that…
So, what the opinion? Sigh…. as much as I really wanted this one to be good, it just plain wasn’t. I can only give “Strippers Vs Werewolves” a meager 2 “Meows” out of 5. It’s got perky, attractive ladies as our heroines… it’s got nasty horny Werewolves for villains, but somehow it just can’t come together in a way that makes you giggle with guilty joy as you watch the resulting hi-jinx unfold. The Region 2 DVD… while not too pricy at around 14$US, is something I wouldn’t recommend you rush right out and buy…. even if you are as nutty for way bad movies as a certain silly Catgirl. Wait for this one…. somehow I’m thinking it’ll come to a late night pay cable channel near you just when you are in the proper mood to waste some time with mindless monster movie exploitation badness. Somehow… I just know alcohol will be involved…. 😉
Trailer? You want a Trailer? Don’t worry…. Neko’s got you covered…. 😉