So…. just who am I?
It’s another quiet day at the apartment for lil’ ol’ me and time once again to let all my regular visitors here at the Litterbox have another peek into the life of your Favorite Catgirl Princess…. and as is usually the case, the quiet solitude of a day off from work has me plugging away at the seemingly endless task of straightening things up here. My Categories and Tags are about half restored, and with luck I’ll finish them all up by late today or tomorrow.
Still…. it’s boring work and as always I’m easily distracted from it by the thoughts that swirl and creep about in my head when I pause for a moment in my tasks. Those of you who have followed my odd ramblings know just how full of nervous energy I can get and the way some notions and ideas can get all stuck in my head, nagging away at me till I sort them all out.
Naturally… it seems only “right” to sit down… write it all out and let the ideas flow…. so it’s to my “Diary” I turn to try to put it all into perspective. Wanna share my silly thoughts? Then all you have to do, Gentle Visitor, is “Read On”…..
Lately it seems, I’m filled with an undeniable need to define my essential “essence”…. to get a grip on that most difficult of concepts…… Just who exactly am I? I really want to know…..
I’ve always been just a wee bit hard to categorize. I’m a grown woman… in her late 30’s, but somehow…. inside… I feel the same as if I were still a young girl of 20 or so…. that I haven’t changed in all those years that have passed. Is that at all possible? I really don’t know….. Carolyn says that I have this kind of youthful vigor and an “innocent child-like whimsy” about me that she’s always liked…. She also says she thinks it’s the main reason why Sam and I get along so well as friends, despite that there’s a good 10 years difference in our ages. On the other hand… many other people are far less impressed with those qualities of mine…. thinking me frivolous and immature for my age. Most of them see me as a foolish dreamer and not somebody to be taken at all seriously. Which is it? Neither… or both? Does anybody else have feelings like these?
Also…. there’s the odd concept that I’m both Asian…. but also that I’m not…. I was born an American…. and raised as one, but I was also packaged in a most definitely Japanese looking lil’ body. I’m almost the spitting image of my mom, despite being half Caucasian, although most everybody would never guess it. I’m usually not conscious of my physical appearance being “different” from everybody around me except in only the most vaguest of ways. Occasionally, though, something will happen to remind me just how much “not like” everybody else I am….. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached while in our local Asian market only to have someone assume I’m either working there… or that I’ll understand Mandarin Chinese. (Unfortunately… despite years of movies… I still only possess the merest smattering of words in any number of Asian languages…. d’ohh!!) Growing up, this made me into “Miyuki, that Japanese girl” to most everybody else at school…. except of course when I got to college, and there I was still that plus I also became “Miyuki, that American girl” to all the Japanese exchange students on campus. Sigh… Although it’s less common these days… there are still times I feel like an “outsider”around others, both happy about my ancestry, but also feeling a bit alienated by it at the same time. So…. which am I? American or Asian? Which category does “Miyuki” truly fit in?
Of course, the biggest contradiction of my recent existence is my current confusion over my relationship with my dear sweet Carolyn. I am a woman in love, both romantically and physically, with another woman…. but deep in my heart, I sense…. I know…. I’m just not a Lesbian. Is that even possible?!? It has to be… or else I’m just crazy… I most definitely do feel real passion and desire for her… I even have erotic dreams in my sleep about the two of us on occasion… but there’s nothing about any other women that ever stirs a similar reaction. Absolutely nothing… nada…. Is such a thing possible? Lesbian?… Bisexual?…. Straight? None of them seem to explain to me what I feel….. or why.
Which leaves me with the question of why I’m so darn preoccupied with these things as of late. I can’t really point to any one event that could have set me to wondering about all this…. it just seems to have snuck up on me. Everybody around me seems oblivious to questions like these…. They just seem to understand just where they “fit” into the Grand Scheme of things while I seem to constantly be on the outside looking in, waiting for that lil’ niche to call my own.
Whenever I talk with Carolyn about this sort of stuff, I usually get the sense she can’t really figure out why it bothers me so…. She’s such a “together” sort of woman…. so self-assured and comfortable with herself, even if there are times that even she has doubts about her life. She usually tells me to relax…. just let it go and it’ll sort itself out, and although I know she’s probably right, I still wonder…. still want there to be a simple “label” to explain “me” to myself. Will I ever find it? Who knows?
So…. I guess I’ve talked myself in a circle again. Round and round, and still lil’ Miyuki doesn’t quite know where she “fits”…. But I do feel better for having let this all out in words, even if it hasn’t really offered me any new insights or answered my basic nagging question.
Anyway…. here’s hoping you, Gentle Visitors, have a better grasp of where you fit in the Big Puzzle we call “Life” even if I’m still vague about it all, and until next time, this lil’ kitten says “Meow, meow for now!!”