Another day off… but today your Favorite Catgirl’s lil’ butt is just dragging. So darn tired….
I been soooo worn out since I woke up this morning it seems as if nothing, not even endless mugs of steamy hot coffee, can do anything to cut through the fatigue. Thankfully, with a day off, and Carolyn at work, I can laze about the apartment in my frumpy sweat-shorts and PJ top looking fairly rumpled without feeling too guilty about it.
Yes… work has been brutal for me this last week or so, but mostly I’m tired because I didn’t sleep particularly well last night…. seems another of Life’s many challenges wants to rear it’s ugly head and force me to make important decisions whether I want to or not. Sigh…..
Naturally…. when I get to worrying… I always want to vent to relieve my anxiety, so it seemed appropriate to hunker down and put all this in my “Diary” so I can sort it all out in my head. So here goes….
OK…. for about a week now, something’s been bothering Carolyn. Being as close as we are, I’m so in tune with her moods that there was no way for her to keep it from me for long. I wanted to ask, but if it was something that had her so worked up and she hadn’t told me, I figured it needed to wait until she was ready to unload it.
She’d perk up now and again, showing her old self, but I could still tell there was something unsaid. Finally, last night, we crawled into bed and as per our comfy routine snuggled in to chat before one or the other of us fell asleep. It was the usual stuff, Carolyn’s day at the college, the juicy gossip about the people in her department, my day at the restaurant, how my newest recipe went over…. and then she just ran out of stuff to say, leaving a blank spot hanging. I took that as my cue, and said: “So… are you gonna tell me what’s been bothering you, or am I going to have to beg?”
That took her by surprise… somehow she’d though she been a lot more cagey about keeping quiet than she was. Turns out she’d gotten a call from her sister Sandra last Monday to tell her that their parents were coming up to spend Thanksgiving with Sandra and her family and expected Carolyn to drive down and spend the day and have dinner with them. Ahhhh…. now that explained a lot. Now I knew what the problem was.
It’s times like this that the strangeness of our lil’ love affair make themselves known. Even though Carolyn moved in with me nearly 2 years ago, in many ways we still… at least to most outsiders… seem to be “single women on our own”. She still has her trusty cellphone, the same as she did at her old apartment, and that’s how her family tends to get in touch with her when they want. Very handy… and it makes it easy for us to hide our relationship from people as I never answer that phone, and Carolyn rarely picks up the house phone unless she screens the call on our answering machine.
So I figured… and rightly so… that Carolyn was upset about having to head down to Sandra’s place for the Holiday, leaving me alone her at the apartment. Which did suck… but which I completely understood…. or so I thought. But no…. something else was gnawing at her making her miserable.
Apparently, if she went, she was going to have to endure another session of grueling interrogation by her mother as to why… at her age… she hadn’t yet settled down with a nice husband like her sister and had a couple of kids of her own. It was more than she could stand…. especially when she wanted soooo, soooo badly to be able to tell them about me and not have to hide away the wonderful life we have together now. But it was something she couldn’t find the nerve to do….
Well… I could certainly understand that. I’m fairly certain that telling my own parents is an impossibility…. Mom would just never understand… ever. And who wants to see “that Look”…. on the faces of the people you love most in the world. It would be possibly the worst thing anyone would ever have to endure…. Carolyn tells me her mother, in particular, would be in complete denial over the prospect, having voiced her opinions of “those perverted freaks” way back when Carolyn was in Highschool, incensed by the start-up of a LGBA support group at her school. It’s a memory she still carries…. the whole thing having occurred not long after Carolyn’s first lesbian experience with another girl at school and which convinced her never… ever… to tell either of her parents about that part of her life.
At this point, the tears started to flow…. hard, uncontrollable, and leaving her clinging to me like a wounded animal trying hard not to die from it all. It was another hour before we could finish talking…. and I asked her what it was she wanted from all this. She couldn’t answer… she’d talked with Sandra about it several times over the last couple days… and despite her assurances that she and Allan would back anything she wanted to do, Carolyn was still scared silly about the prospect of “coming out” to her parents at last.
I asked her if she wanted me to go along and face them with her. That scared her more, I think, than just the prospect of telling them about us. She said; “Mom remembers you as “that flaky Asian girl you roomed with in college” and I know she’d never accept you as “that flaky Asian woman you’re having sex with”….” I told her she could just go and have the family dinner…. that I’d be fine with being “her secret” for as long as she wanted. I reminded her how great Sandra was…. and that at least that meant she had someone in her family who understood and who loved her without condition. That… and she’d always have me, ready to back her up no matter what decision she made.
The whole thing left us both worn and exhausted but even so it was a miserable night’s rest for both of us…. At least I got to sleep in this morning on my day off… poor Carolyn had to work, and slipped out quietly without waking me.
But… several cups of hot coffee later, I’m no closer to having a solution for my sweetie. The best I can do, I guess is show her as much support as I can… whatever choice she makes, and be there for her like she’s always been for me when it seems Life just plain hates me. Towards that end…. I wanted to make her day, so I searched high and low for just the perfect message to let her know she’s in my heart and my thoughts…. and sent her a lil’ email with a Youtube video as my way of saying “Cheer up… we’ll always have each other.”
And to let all you Gentle Readers share it with me and Carolyn too, here it is. “Wherever You Go” by Coco Lee….. from my heart, and with all my love.
Thank you all for letting me unload my thoughts and bore you silly with my drama… and till next time, Gentle Readers, “Meow, meow for now!!”