I know I’ve been somewhat flaky about keeping up with my “Diary” updates lately…. Lately Life has just seemed to steal away all that bountiful free time this lil’ Catgirl used to have to spend hours here at Delirium and the Litterbox.
Work has certainly taken it’s share…. But…. most to blame has to be the fact that I’m most definitely not a single lady anymore these days…. and anyone in a serious relationship knows how much of yourself you sorta lose when you go from “single” to ‘couple”. Not that I’m complaining mind you…. but I have to admit that being involved with Carolyn has come with more than the usual baggage that normally accompanied all my other love affairs.
Wanna know exactly what sort of “baggage” I mean? Well then you are just gonna have to “Read On” and find out all those sordid details…..
It’s been over a year and a half since Carolyn and I became lovers, and even though it’s been a wonderful and completely satisfying relationship, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s left me somewhat confused much of the time about myself, about Carolyn, and about just exactly what we are together.
This has led… finally…. to us having “The Talk”. Sounds ominous I know…. but it’s something I’ve really needed and thankfully it was far less scary to do than it could have been, thanks in great part to Carolyn having been my best friend long before she ever became my lover.
One of the nicest routines that has developed between us since she moved in has been the intimate little talks we have most evenings just after we’ve slid into bed. Both of us move in towards the other in the dark, instinctively seeking the most comfortable position, our arms sliding around the other, nestling close and warm for the night, then one or the other of us always starts whispering…. Sometimes it’s the prelude to a little playful sex, but more often or not it’s just about the need to unload all the silly, boring stuff that makes up our day. Once in a while it’s more serious.
A couple of evenings ago it was one of those conversations. It started off with Carolyn asking me if she has been too “clingy” with me. That took me a bit by surprise…. and even had me a bit worried at first, but it seems she had finally noticed her that her constant need to touch me all the time was…. perhaps a bit excessive. She said she had always been a bit more restrained and discreet in her previous relationships, but that lately she’d noticed we had pretty much become the worst kept secret out there. She knows I value my personal privacy, and that I’d never actually discussed “coming out”, so she wondered if I was upset at her for her public displays of affection towards me. Whew….. That was an easy one to put to rest. I let her know… in no uncertain terms… that having her show me just how much she ached to be with me was not only flattering but more than welcome. However….
This was the perfect opportunity to ask her just how she saw me now that we were a couple. I told her how much I did love her, but just how confused it made me…. and if that was something to worry about between us. She was a little confused herself, until I finally told her what was really bothering me.
Ever since we’ve been together… and despite the very enjoyable sex life we share… I’ve never…. never…. even in the most abstract way…. felt the least bit of an attraction towards any other woman but her. Maybe that sounds stupid (writing it here, it certainly sounds stupid)…. I mean I’m not looking for another Lesbian affair, and I’m perfectly happy with Carolyn… but I still get that basic instinctive reaction to a random hunky guy giving me the eye just like I always have. So what the heck is wrong? Shouldn’t I at least notice the other sexy women out there, some of who must have at least some of the same traits that have me so in love with her?
I thought Carolyn would be upset…. Or at least worried that I was having second thoughts about us deep in my subconscious. Instead she started giggling…. almost so hard I thought she would pee herself. Then she gave me a good shake and said, “Miyu… Is that really all that’s worrying you? Are you a Lesbian or not? My goodness, girl… I’m not even a Lesbian. I’m Bisexual…. Or to really be fair, “Bisexual with strong Lesbian tendencies”, seeing as the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had have been with women rather than men.” She hugged me close then and gave me a kiss…. continuing with her assessment. “You, dear, really shouldn’t worry about any of this. I know you really do love me with all your heart and soul, but if it makes you feel better, I can tell you, you are most definitely not a Lesbian either. You are the most feminine, Straight woman I’ve ever known. At the very best, it’s fair to say you might be a wee bit Bi-curious, but that’s all.”
“Ummm?” If I had been confused before I was really confused now….. “So? What about us? If I’m not a Lesbian then I have to be the most hopelessly mixed-up woman you’ve ever made love with on a regular basis……”
“Well…”, she said with a chuckle, “You are that. But basically… for you, I think…. you can’t feel a desire for someone without feeling love too. You just aren’t wired to enjoy casual meaningless lust…. you always feel things far too deeply to give anything but all your love to someone you care for. It’s why you always get hurt so hard when someone doesn’t love you too as much as that.” Her arms slid around me and she kissed my forehead before adding: “So, sweetheart…. if that means I’m going to be the only woman who ever manages to find a place in your heart for the rest of your life, then I’m selfishly OK with that if you are. I don’t know how I was lucky enough to do that, but I’m ever so happy I have. I don’t care if you want to think of yourself as Lesbian or whatever, as long as you are absolutely sure about how you feel about me. You are, right?”
I told her that wasn’t going to be a problem… My feelings for Carolyn are very real, very strong, and are about the only thing this crazy Catgirl is sure about. Apparently I’m just gonna have to stop trying to find the label that fits me now and just start living the life I have without worrying what to call it all.
Now…. if only the rest of the world could get on board with that….. Sigh….
Anyway…. since that evening, things between us have settled down a bit and become more normal. Both of us are feeling more secure with ourselves and what we have. We may not be “out of the closet” completely yet, but we’ve definitely kicked open the door. It’s made a big difference to be able to just be ourselves, not just around each other, but when we are out and about as well… which we seem to be doing more and more these days.
But…. all you Gentle Visitors shouldn’t worry. Your Favorite Catgirl will still have time to spend here with you all as well, talking about movies, music, and the downright silly stuff I love, so until next time: “Meow, meow, for now!!”