Every now and again, your Favorite Catgirl Princess needs to sate her insatiable desire for totally trashy exploitation cinema with absolutely no redeeming social value whatsoever…. The more over-the-top and unashamedly cheesy the better. So what could possibly fit the bill for that than the new British horror comedy “Lesbian Vampire Killers”? Recently released on Region 2 PAL in the UK, it was easily available to me through Amazon.uk so naturally I wasted no time snapping up a copy for my very own. This girl is sooo easily convinced to buy these goofy movies….. A scant 4 days later, it arrived in the mail a mere two days after the release date so now I’m all set to rot my little brain with all the crazy lesbian vampire antics and goofy horror shenanigans to be had!!
Our synopsis reads like this: “Award winning comedy duo James Corden and Mathew Horne (of Gavin & Stacey fame) decide to escape their problems and head to Wales for a weekend of debauchery.
Things don’t go quite according to plan and they find themselves stuck in a village where all the local women have been enslaved by the curse of the legendary lesbian vampire queen, Carmilla. As night unfolds the boys have to put all their fears (and dreams!) behind them in order to rise to the challenge of becoming Lesbian Vampire Killers.”
Hmmmm? Certainly sounds trashy and silly alright. But will it be a fun lil’ movie to watch with my sweet Carolyn on Movie Nite (or will it just utterly offend her and get me trouble?) This will be the first mainstream “Lesbian” themed movie (well…sort of… Hehehehe!!) we’ve ever watched together since we started our love affair…. but she knows all about my lowbrow film tastes and usually just shakes her head and rolls her eyes when it’s my turn to select a film for us. Oh well…. she’s really a good sport, so I guess I’ll find out.
The main question to answer though, as always, is: “Will it really live up to all the hype and promise of it’s silly title or fall flat on it’s face?” Neko’s been disappointed by movies before, (and probably will be again in future….) but let’s all “Read On” and find out how this one fares, shall we?
So…. first up, I must confess to having absolutely no clue who the two main stars of this one, James Corden and Mathew Horne, are…. and I’ve no idea what “Gavin & Stacey” is all about either. That’s either going to have me missing a whole lot of those “in jokes” that often fill a movie like this, or it’s going to allow me to watch without the added encumbrance of preconceptions about what I’m going to get. Carolyn had never heard of them either (and thankfully wasn’t touchy about what was probably going to be a Lesbian Vampire movie made basically for a target audience of horny young men and not lesbian women…. but then my sweet Carolyn does love me deeply in spite of my horrific movie choices) so the stage was set for a fresh look.
Well….. we start off with a properly mythological prologue right out of “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”, explaining the basic history behind the “Curse of Carmilla”, a “Vampire Queen” who was basically seducing the beautiful young daughters of the village of Cragwich and turning them into lascivious lesbian bloodsuckers….. (exactly why, we’re never told…. but it’s that sort of movie so just roll with it) and eventually she makes the mistake of turning her attention to the wife of local Knight off on the Crusades. He’s just a wee bit ticked off to find his wife has succumbed to temptation and become the willing sex toy of Carmilla, and so he uses a magic sword to lop off her head. Unfortunately not before Carmilla utters her dread curse that whenever a girl in Cragwich reaches her 18th birthday, she immediately transforms into a seductive lesbian vampire who will wreak Carmilla’s vengeance upon all men until Carmilla herself is resurrected. The only way to break the curse is for the last descendant of that same brave knight to return to Cragwich and slay Carmilla again with the magic sword of “Dialdo” (more on that silly weapon in a moment…) thus ending the curse once and for all. OK…. so with that out of the way, we move to present day London and meet our two bumbling heroes….
This would be the duo of Jimmy (played by Matthew Horne) and Fletch (played by James Corden) as best friends who have both experienced the absolute worst streak of bad luck two young men might ever have. Jimmy has been serially dumped for the seventh time by his flaky bitch of a two timing girlfriend Judy and Fletch has gotten himself fired from the latest in a long line of menial and demeaning jobs. Finding themselves low on cash, Jimmy convinces Fletch that a hiking holiday in the Welsh countryside is the remedy for their doldrums. Fletch thinks it’s a lame, stupid idea, but without any money of his own, it’s off to the countryside!
The boys are your standard good natured completely hapless guys from any number of other movies, looking for “beer and boobs” and immediately you get the sense that we’re headed for “Porky’s” territory here… but you’d be wrong. It isn’t long before the two get to the odd village of Cragwich… who’s inhabitants have that crazy “villagers from a Hammer film” look about them. The local Vicar mistakes Jimmy right away for the descendant of the famous Knight…. so there’s no real secret to discover later in the film. They direct the boys to the deserted Mircalla Estate (Hmmmm? Now THAT name sounds familiar…) at the edge of the village for free lodging…. Yep, can you say “vampire food”….. Sigh….. A plus though… it seems a VW full of hot female Swedish exchange students are also headed there for the night.
Once there, it isn’t long before night falls, the group gets to partying like there no tomorrow, and then the Lesbian Vampires make their appearance. From then on it’s a vaguely amusing, but generally tame bit of “Scooby Doo” running around the woods. You’d think there would be exceeding lots and lots of scantily clad vampire girls getting naked and making out at the drop of a hat from this point forward, but…. er… ummm… no, there really isn’t. In fact, outside of a few slow motion shots of gorgeous vampire girls kissing, and even a shower scene, there isn’t that much nudity to be seen here at all…. (Sorry, guys, Neko knows you were looking forward to that… you naughty, naughty boys…) You get the usual vampire hijinx, of course, and the effects are well done as our heroes behead, slice and dice the vampire girls who explode, not into fiery ash, but into what looks disturbing like…. er…. ah…. semen. Yep…. I’m not kidding you. Most of the humor is in that direction…. including the mystical “Sword of Dialdo” (Come on… say it reeeaally slowly….) with it’s penis shaped pommel. Carolyn and I got worried just exactly they were planning to do to Carmilla with THAT particular widget…. but no,no, no… it’s just for slicing and dicing… thank goodness.
Then our fearless Vampire Hunting Vicar arrives to help the boys, and Lotte, the only Swedish girl left, well, “unvampirized”…. to prepare for Carmilla’s return. How will this be accomplished? Well, it seems the vampires need both the descendant of the brave Knight and the blood of a virgin girl to perform the ritual that reconstitutes her. Lotte? Yep, you guessed it. Yep…. just had to see it coming.
Sigh…. I wish I could say this was going to result in an amazing battle to the death between Carmilla and our heroes, but sadly “Lesbian Vampire Killers” is just not up to the task of pulling it off. Don’t get me wrong…. they got most of the vampire stuff just about right for a horror comedy. The girls are… well… just plain gorgeous in that Neo-Gothic Lolita “Undead Sirens of the Night” way, with lots of drifting through foggy forests in diaphanous costumes that the Brides of Dracula themselves would envy, and would have probably been right at home in a Hammer film of the seventies. It’s just that the whole thing is…. bland. A film such as this needs to abandon it’s shyness and just plain “go for it”…. If you are going to fill your movie with a bevy of predatory “Lipstick Lesbian” vampire girls then they better be getting all naughty or else you’ve blown it…… it’s what “exploitation” is all about. That’s why the low budget effort “Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” succeeded for me where this one doesn’t. If you are going to make a tacky, risque, tasteless film, then by all means, just go nuts….. anything else is just bound to fail. From a comedy standpoint, it’s a mixed bag too, with good chemistry between our two heroes but little connection with the other characters in any meaningful way. A couple of funny bits here and there can’t save the film though, which is a shame because the simple premise could have worked and worked well had the movie just had the nerve to go after it’s story with more gusto.
Unlike many reviews for it I’ve read while preparing my thoughts on it, (including a particularly scathing one by a Lesbian movie reviewer), I wasn’t offended by “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and neither was my sweet Carolyn. It’s just…. well…. a fairly forgettable and basically disappointing movie overall. As such, I can only give it 2 “Meows” out of 5, with a single purr for the vampire girls themselves, particularly Vera Filatova (whom Carolyn thought was particularly “yummy” and could try to bite her on the neck anytime……. Grrrr! I’m sooo jealous!!) who did indeed play her part extremely well. However, it looks as if I’m going to be looking further for the next great horror comedy to rival “Shawn of the Dead” or “Army of Darkness”…. Better luck next time, I guess….
Trailer? OMG…. of course there’s a Trailer. It’s probably better than the entire film itself and here it is!