It’s officially summer now, as the steamy temperatures at the restaurant can most definitely illustrate should this lil’ Catgirl somehow manage to forget that. I have to apologize for having let the warm weather distract me from the Litterbox somewhat…. it’s just tooo darn easy these wonderfully warm days to want to get outside now instead of cooping myself up at the computer or watching movies….
I haven’t even done a Diary posting lately…. but that’s easily remedied!! Yep… you all know the drill by now… if ya want the juicy bits you gotta “Read On”!!
So…. exactly how are things with me these days, you wonder? Well….. Let’s see….. The new cook I hired seems to be fitting in quite nicely at the restaurant and all the help has let me normalize my own schedule somewhat. Yay for me!!
New movies keep creeping into the mailbox… even if I don’t seem to be able to watch them as fast as I get them lately…. and I’m hoping that I’ll soon have “Vow of Death” and the classic “The Valley of Gwangi” ready for review soon. What happened to Vincent Price? Ummm… Ahhhh… I searched… and I searched for it… but I haven’t been able to find my copy of “Masque of the Red Death” anywhere!!
I blame Carolyn… lots of her stuff now fills the apartment and there are loads of extra boxes in my “Study” (otherwise known as the other bedroom) and I haven’t been able to dig my way to the boxes of old discs yet. I was lucky enough to find “Gwangi”, and as it has both cowboys and dinosaurs… and fits my “Lil Kitten Classics” description, it’s up next!!
The end of the month approaches fast…. and with it the annual 4th of July employee picnic at the restaurant. Now ordinarily this is normally a quiet lil’ exclusive get-together for employees and their spouses or “significant others”….. which has me in somewhat of a quandary. Sam actually brought it up a week ago by asking if I was inviting Carolyn along as, being a Saturday this year, it means she’ll have the day off too. My heart nearly jumped into my throat!! Am I really ready to “Come Out” with everybody at work? I just don’t know…..
The problem is…. I don’t know if I even am a Lesbian…..I just know I don’t actually feel much like one.
Yes, yes…. yes. I know. I’m living intimately with another woman…. I’m sharing my bed with her and we are definitely making love…. a whole lot. It’s just that I’m awfully confused about it all. I enjoy sex with Carolyn, but I don’t feel the same desires towards any other women, not even in the most casual of ways. I mean, I love the smell of Carolyn’s hair and the soft feel of her skin….. and she’s really very attractive physically to me, something I’d never really been conscious of before. But it’s just that I don’t notice that in any other women that I meet day to day. Seriously. On the other hand…. a cute guy will still catch my eye just as they always have…. So what does that say about goofy lil’ me?
What am I actually worried about? I guess it’s a matter of wanting to know exactly what “label” should apply to me. Do I really want to be considered a Lesbian…. especially if it turns out I’m not? Should I think of myself as Bisexual? That seems sort of wrong too…. Or have I somehow just mixed up all my feelings for Carolyn in my head and somehow moved her from the category of “Women” where she used to be into that lil’ “Cardboard Box of Desires” waaaaay back in my subconscious? I just don’t know….
It’s almost a given that I’m inviting her to the party. (Unless I change my mind and don’t go…. but that’s not a possibility without offending someone). As my best friend and roommate, it wouldn’t even raise any questions. But…. I want to be able to just hold her hand and let her put her arm around me for a gentle hug or even a soft kiss…. just like any couple in love would want to do while we’re relaxing at the beach. Do I dare just go with those feelings?
Gosh…. all this makes my lil mind swim, my heart ache, and my head hurt. Samantha has been a dear and has tried her best to help me think this through, but she’s at a loss to understand some of what I’m feeling about it all….. And now I’ve got less than a week to make up my mind…. Sigh.
Anyways…. till then, I leave you as always with a smile and a “Meow, meow for now!!”