Ooohh!!

Our synopsis? “Thailand’s latest horror is made up of three chilling and stomach-churning stories… ghosts, demons and vengeful spirits are all out to haunt at 3AM, the scariest hour of the night.

In a wig shop crammed with lifeless heads of dolls, something turns out to be not really lifeless… Mint and May are sisters from a wig-making family, the two can’t get along but were made to man the shop while their parents went out of town. Their nightmare came alive when May unknowingly acquired hair of a dead person….

In a stranger’s house with a dark history, two corpses lie peacefully, side by side… Tos is assigned to take care of Mike and Cherry – a couple killed in an accident just before their wedding. Their parents decide to keep their corpses, as the couple loved each other so much – and their parents still treating them as if they were still alive. With Tos spending all his time with the corpses, he soon falls in love with the dead, but beautiful Cherry… what will this twisted love leads too?

In the middle of the night, the office is as deserted as a graveyard, strange things happen… Karan and Tee are owners of a company whose office is in building rumored to be haunted. The two aren’t scared, and actually enjoyed playing pranks on their staff who work late at night. But soon, the pranksters are no longer certain if the strange things that happened in the office are their game – or someone else’s…”

So… sounds like these stories ought to be right up my alley. But.. to know if they might be the sort of thing you’ll want a look at o’ Gentle Visitor, then you’ll wanna “Read On” and find out all about the creepy goings on…

In this Catgirl’s humble opinion, Anthologies really are the way to go with horror stories…. Remember all those nifty short story collections in books waaaaay back when you were a kid? No? You don’t? Well Neko most certainly does… and I must have read a mountain of them back when I could borrow them from our local library. In movies from those same years, lots and lots films with that selfsame formula ran on TV practically all the time…. all telling those creepy lil’ nuggets of a tale maybe not big enough to fill out the run-time of an entire film, but still powerful and effective bits of storytelling nonetheless. I’ve always liked them. So naturally… when it comes to the Asian horror I like to watch as a grown up kitten, a lil’ nostalgia is never a bad thing for an evening’s eerie film fun.

Now… Thai horror usually likes to go for the gore of late rather than those quiet suspenseful moments of dread yours truly normally prefers, but for the most part, “3 A.M.” tries to go more towards that quiet chill… all wrapping it’s stories around the theme of what this wee lady assumes is the Thai equivalent of “The Witching Hour”… but in Thailand, apparently, that’s at 3 in the morning rather than midnight as most of us here in the West think of it. Hey… you learn something new everyday.

What we get are three stories… all told by three separate directors all with different styles… and differing ideas of what’s scary… and not all coming to jell together as a coherent whole. We start with “The Wig”, directed by Patchanon Thammajira about the fate of two sisters, May and Mint (played by Focus Jirakul and Apinya Sakuljaroensuk respectively) who’s family run a shop producing custom made wigs for cancer patients made from real human hair. Sound familiar? Yep… both the Koreans and the Chinese have visited that idea before, so I knew there probably wouldn’t be any surprises with this one… and I was right.

As can be expected, sooner than you can say “Oh no he didn’t…” some guy is slicing of the hair of some pretty corpse to sell to our wig makers. Yeah… that ought to make for a very cranky.. very bald.. ghost looking for some payback. Now May is unaware of this of course… and despite the fact that she’s both respectful of the hair given into her care as well as mindful of the important gift it is for those who receive the fruits of her talented labor, she’s right in the path of that anger along with her bitchy mean spirited sister who could care less about being a part of the family business. Nope… Mint is just the sort of person who truly deserves some ghostly retribution… and she gets it of course, but not before her sister May pays the price for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The second story, “The Corpse Bride”, directed by Kirati Nakintanon, tells the story of a medical student Tos (played by Toni Rakkaen) looking to make some extra cash by playing caretaker to the coffins of a young newlywed couple Mike and Cherry laid out in their wedding clothes in the chapel of their creepy home for a few days prior to their funeral. Although we never see Mike… due to some fairly messy accident he suffered on the night they died… we do get to see plenty of sexy Cherry as Tos starts getting a wee bit obsessed with her. A little necrophilia anybody? Oh yeah… we got that covered. Mind you… being a Thai film under the new censorship rules there’s lots more hints about it than anything really nasty and gratuitous in that way. Thank goodness… Now there is an evil ghost in this tale with an ax to grind along with all that forbidden desire… but it’s not the ghost you might think and not the vengeance you might expect either.

Then we switch gears to the quirky “OT” directed by former Ronin Team member Isara Nadee… all about the odd elaborate pranks and games played by Karan and Tee (played by Shahkrit Yamnarm and Ray MacDonald), the owners of a software company, on their employees after-hours in the darkness of their offices in a highrise. Seems most of their IT workers are nothing but terrible slackers all day, wasting their time until they can clock in for extra OT hours unsupervised at better pay. That naturally, is something Karan and Tee decide needs to stop. After they have a little fun that is. This results in those same employees pranking back… and bringing even more extreme tricks from the bosses in return as they each strive to top the last stunt. Oh yeah…. that sort of crazy stuff just has to result in someones death… but the real trick is figuring out who will die first. Or if they’ll even realize it.

So… how did these stories go down for this wee Catgirl? Hmmm… they certainly were a mixed bag and I can’t say they meshed together all that well to evoke a common sense of horror… even the idea that each story occurs at the self-same 3 A.M. “Witching Hour” didn’t really help to tie them together all that well. For me, anyway, they could have just as easily been independent episodes of a TV series crudely stitched together to make a feature film. Not that the stories themselves were badly done, mind you… it’s just that they truly lack any overall linking element that would have helped to make them seem a seamless coherent whole story, film wise.

“The Wig” is probably the weakest of the three… having mined an idea that’s pretty much been done to death.. (or should that be Un-death? ) It’s an OK “vengeance from beyond the grave” thing, but certainly nothing to get truly excited over. “The Corpse Bride” fares better, although you’ll probably see the “twist” reveal coming long before it happens… and the necrophilia angle… well that just creeps you out… and not in a scary way.

Probably my favorite of the three has to be “OT”, just for it’s wacky “ghost bustery” feel as the bosses and employees each duel it out with supernaturally flavored pranks and outrageously unbelievable situations gone sooo, sooo wrong. Even so… you’ll probably figure out this one’s ending too about half way through, but at least watching it’s story play out is entertaining in a creepy, goofy way.

All in all, this wee Catgirl gives “3 A.M. – 3D” a mediocre 3 “Meows” out of 5. It’s OK… but simply nothing special in the way of being truly unique or even creepy. The Taiwanese Region 3 DVD is adequate… widescreen with good English subtitles… but weirdly enough they are… wait for it… hard-subbed along with Chinese ones like old VHS tapes from HK used to be. Say what? Yep. No kidding. Hard to believe on a DVD format where separate selectable subtitles are not only easily possible, but the standard on 99% of DVD’s released, well… anywhere. At least they were accurate… and… they were actually there which is more than I can say for the official Thai release for this one. Ahhh… and it’s one big plus… this one was originally theatrically released as a 3D movie, but was thankfully completely without all that 3D tomfoolery on this particular DVD release. Still… even with that…. I’m told this one is also due out in HK soon, so if watching it is on your list, it might be worth your efforts to take a peek at the specs for that disc when it finally comes out.

Trailer? Certainly I’ve got you a Trailer… wouldn’t be a “Nekolishous” review without one now would it?

But…. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least try my darnedest to beat those nasty blues and make things better. Wanna hear about it? Then, Gentle Visitors, it’s time to “Read On” and hear all about my recent efforts to put a smile back on my sweetie’s face where it belongs.

Yep. You know about that whole idea that “The truth shall set you free”?… Well I’m here to tell you that oft times that’s nothing more than a bunch of wishful thinking by people without any idea just how crappy a notion it all really is in practice.

Nope… this definitely hasn’t been the “liberating” experience you hear about sometimes. Carolyn got well and truly sucker punched by her parents on this. Her Mom… who used to call her up at least once a week hasn’t spoken to her since that dinner. In a way, I almost think she’s had it easy…. Her poor sister Sandra has been getting a regular earful from Mrs. Simms over the phone practically every day since then. You know…. “I can’t believe your sister could ever think something this sick would ever be alright with us….” and “My God, Sandra…. If you knew about it all these years, why did you keep something like this from us.”…. Ahhhhh…. and probably my own personal favorite…. “You let her bring that kind of disgusting behavior around the kids? What in hell were you thinking?”

Grrrrrr!!! I have to keep reminding myself…. she’s Carolyn’s mother… all those mean bigoted thoughts aside, she’ll always be Carolyn’s mother. Lucky for her. If she were a total stranger, I’m pretty sure I’d find it hard not to want to punch her in the face. Really… really hard. Oooohhh!! And scream at her…. a whole lot… about the nasty way she’s treating both her wonderful daughters who deserve someone soooo much more loving and understanding than her.

Whew…. There. I’ve gotten that particular bit of anger of my chest before it made me all crazy.

I had hoped that Sandra might be able to act in the role of mediator in all of this… calm her mom down… get her to realize that Carolyn is still the same person she’s always been and that there wasn’t anything sick or disgusting or perverted about the fact that the person she finally fell hopelessly in love with just happened to be goofy lil’ me… but that just wasn’t going to happen. As it is, Sandra’s just slightly lower on her Mom’s “shit list” for her “collaboration” in enabling Carolyn to continue her sinful ways all this time. And so…. what’s developed is our own version of “The Cold War”…. except without the big red telephone to keep links through the “Iron Curtain”. Thank goodness Sandra is at least willing to remain in the dubiously useful roll of “Swiss Ambassador”, keeping the lines of communication from closing up completely. (Goodness… even at times like this, I’m still only able to deal with it all by reducing the situation to the plot of a really bad spy thriller… Definitely too darn many movies in my wee years…. but apparently now it’s just how I’m wired to cope.)

Given this, you can imagine how things have been at the apartment these last few weeks. We continue our day to day stuff… and on the surface Carolyn acts like it’s behind her, but I still catch those little things that tell me it’s not. Like the way she looks whenever the phone rings and it turns out to be work looking for me about some stupid little thing, or the way she hasn’t slept well since she came home from her “coming out” dinner, constantly tossing and turning in her sleep. And… the thing that tears me up the most… is the little hints like the empty Kleenex boxes I find now that tells me she cries when she’s alone and doesn’t think I know. She doesn’t want me to know… doesn’t want me to feel like it’s my fault.. but the more I know she’s doing it the worse I feel.

So. Wanting to be as supportive and helpful a girlfriend as I can be, I’ve been wracking my brain for ideas to help me shake away these crappy feelings that seem to want to suffocate us both. I want to be happy again… I should be happy… Carolyn has done something that tells me she loves me beyond anything else in her life. Of all the other women she’s been with in the years since  since High School… I’m the only one she risked it all for. It makes me feel so special to be treasured like that… and so guilty all at the same time… and it makes me want to make it all right so much it’s nearly all I think about.

What to do… what to do. Sigh… Well, when all else fails, good food fixes everything. It’s the cook in me…. and there’s nothing more zen-like or calming than the warmth and cozy familiarity of the kitchen when this wee lady needs to work out her problems. (Well… and of course the yummy fun of sharing the results of my culinary tinkering with someone I love….)

So with that I set myself to the task of coming up with the perfect summery meal to surprise Carolyn with to take advantage of the recent brief streak of warm Spring weather that has finally decided to show up and banish the chill of Winter once and for all. So… finding a flirty summer dress and sunhat and packing my picnic basket with goodies I took the bus up to the college this last Tuesday and brazenly stole away my sweetie from her work, giving her the nicest lil’ kiss and tugging her away from her desk telling her amused co-workers she most definitely wouldn’t be back for the rest of the day. It definitely surprised Carolyn… and I could tell she was a little embarrassed to have me make such a scene, but darn it… it also put that crooked lil’ smile back on her face where I hadn’t seen it in far too long of late. Thank goodness she’s got nice friends at work to cover for her… and a wee bit of personal time to fritter away at a moments notice when her girlfriend goes all impulsively crazy.

The park, down by the river where we do Tai-Chi when its nice out was still a bit brown… and the grass hadn’t recovered from Winters ravages yet nor were the trees even budding, but the sky was blue, the breeze warm and the river that color you can only get beneath the bluest sky. We had a wonderful meal on the blanket I brought to sit on…. spicy pulled pork sandwiches in Korean Gochujang sauce on grilled ciabatta rolls with Kim-chi and a bottle of raspberry Merlot to wash it all down. Mmmmmm…

I didn’t actually bring along any dessert…. but I can say Carolyn definitely got some sweets she’ll remember once our meal was over… and I made certain to let her know just how much her sacrifice… her pain… and everything that she’s had to suffer was as much mine as hers… that she didn’t have to carry it herself or try to shield me from the fallout. We’re a couple. That means we share.

We talked… we cuddled… and we stayed there by the river on the blanket all the rest of that afternoon until I could tell it was cooling off and we needed to head home. It was a nice time… and I got a promise from Carolyn that she wouldn’t let herself dwell on her Mom’s stubborn refusal to accept things. We’re moving forward… not looking back… and come what may, we’ll be doing it together. I like that… and I know she does too.

**Ahem**… so for now anyway that’s our current situation… next up, in the next month or so, will be my turn to “tell the folks”… just as soon as I can arrange a trip out to California to visit them. This most definitely isn’t something I can do over the phone… oh, no…

So, that’s my “Diary” this time out, Gentle Visitors, and hopefully I’ll get the chance in the next day or so to get back with another review, but until then, I hope Spring is being better to you than it has for me and “Meow. meow for now!!”

Our synopsis? How’s about this: “Adapted from a popular novel by Bùi Anh Tấn, the film begins with a dying man delivering a mysterious young boy at the shore of a remote mountain monastery. Scared and alone, the boy grows to manhood under the care and martial arts tutelage of the one lone monk who is the sole caretaker for the lonely remote temple. Twelve years later, Nguyen Vu discovers his true identity, that he is the single living descendant of the nobleman Nguyen Trai, advisor to the late king, who was beheaded, along with the rest of his family, when he was wrongfully implicated in the murder of his liege. Two Eunuchs from the Royal Court learn the truth and when they try to escape are hunted down. One of the eunuchs writes his dying testimony in blood before he dies and this “Blood Letter” then disappears. Nguyen Vu then embarks on a quest to find this letter so that he may clear his grandfather’s name. Along the way he meets two sisters who are also on a quest to carry out vengeance against the Royal Court and the evil Empress Dowager.”

Sounds all epic and “kung-fu-licious”!! Yep… this wee Catgirl’s hooked. But then… your truly is a real Wuxia movie nut… So should this one also be on your “must see” list too? Well… before spending those hours scouring the Internet for a copy of this one, why not let a certain crazy Catgirl tell you all about it first?

Pssst!! That’s your subtle invite to “Read On”…. C’mon… You know ya wanna!!

Chances are that you… like this wee lady… haven’t seen all that many Martial Art films from Vietnam. Or well…. any films from Vietnam for that matter. Luckily for us all, the Vietnamese film industry has been undergoing a quiet metamorphosis the last few years from being a rather lackluster producer of entertainment for merely just the consumption of the Vietnamese domestic audience to one that wants recognition from a wider world audience of hungry film fans. Admittedly, they are coming a bit late to the party… especially given the large market-share of Asian cinema is already pretty much split between the big Chinese, Japanese, Thai and Korean film industries as well as the spunky Indonesian and Malay players already churning out films by the hundreds. Makes you wonder if their is any room left for some new movie goodness….

Apparently there is.

Now you already know that, along with her creepy ghost stories,  your Favorite Catgirl Princess is an honest-to-goodness certifiable Martial Arts movie nut. Kung-fu movies… ninja flix… chambara samurai sagas… Wuxia epics… Thai kickboxing… I thought I’d seen them all. But apparently not…. Seems in exotic far away Vietnam there’s something called the “Kiem Hiep” film… and thanks to Vietnamese/ American director Victor Vu, this wee lady finally gets a look at one.

“Thiên Mệnh Anh Hùng” or “Blood Letter” as it’s known most everywhere else, is based on the popular Kiem Hiep novel, “Bức Huyết Thư” by Bùi Anh Tấn. Much like it’s Chinese Wuxia film counterparts, it takes it’s period setting and sprinkles it with large doses of melodrama, romance, gorgeous sweeping action, and breathtakingly lovely locations to tell one of those epic swordplay stories we all know and love. Nothing new there, but coming from a place not really known for such epic films, it surprises one with just how well crafted it ends up being.

That can be seen almost from the start as our camera sweeps along a river valley somewhere in the Vietnamese mountains through what can only be described as possibly some of the most beautiful landscape this wee Catgirl has ever seen. We find our way to a picturesque mountain temple where a lone monk diligently sweeps away the courtyard… until one of the Temple Dogs statues at it’s doorway suddenly gets all frisky and animated and climbs down off its pedestal to get all cranky. Ummm? OK… now that’s pretty freaky. Lucky for us, the caretaker of the temple, monk Su Phu (played by Minh Thuan), has some cool mystic moves of his own to keep that stone doggy from running amok. A good thing too, considering it’s right then that a mysterious visitor decides to drop dead on the front landing along with young orphan fugitive Nguyen Vu, last member of a family ordered executed by Royal decree. What’s a lonely monk to do in a situation like this? Awwww c’mon….

12 years pass and Nguyen Vu (now played by Huynh Dong) grows to manhood under the tutelage of his “Foster father” Monk Su Phu, getting all that neat training in the deadly arts of whatever butt-kicking Martial Art they do here in Vietnam. Yeah… it’s a good thing too, cause he’s gonna need it once the old Monk fills him in about that tragic family history he’s got. Seems his ancestor Nguyen Trai got himself wrongfully implicated in the assassination of the old King and as a result was sentenced to beheading along with his entire family and retainers by the nasty minions of the Evil Empress Dowager Thai Hau (played by Van Trang) to cover up her own evil machinations. If you think that’s the sort of thing any self-respecting Kung-fu Hero ought to be getting some payback for, you be right on the money…. so it isn’t long before Vu says goodbye to his old mentor and heads out on the bloody trail of Vengeance with a few notions right along those lines.

Naturally… as in any good Swordplay story.. it also isn’t long before his paths cross with two pretty sisters Hoa Ha (played by Kim Hien) and Hoa Xuan (played by Mi Du) who also have a similar grudge against the Empress requiring some serious homicide to fix as well. Throw in a righteous nobleman who’s ended up on The Dowager’s hit list, Vuong Gia (played by Van Anh) in need of help and you can see our story isn’t going to stray all that far from the usual genre conventions you’d expect in a plot like this.

Now… while there might be some who would find this idea somewhat disappointing, this wee Catgirl would beg to differ. Not every story on film has to be completely novel and unique. Sometimes there can be quite a bit of satisfaction in seeing a familiar story that’s both easy to follow as well as comfortably, if somewhat predictably, entertaining. As long as it’s done with skill, and style, and craftsman-like competence on the part of the filmmakers, that is…. “Blood Letter” falls squarely into this niche.

We get the usual chaste yet simmering Romance between our naive Hero Vu and kung-fu swordfighting cutie Hoa Xuan… we get the usual boss battle between our Hero and the Evil Empress’ main thug and “go to” guy, Tran Tong Quan (played by Khuong Ngoc) as they both strive to recover the titular “Blood Letter” detailing all the Evil Empress’s crimes. There’s even the prerequisite “twist” moment when a trusted ally turns out not to be so much of an ally after all…. Yep… it’s all been done before.

Still…. “Blood Letter” manages to get it all right, genre-wise for the most part. Director Victor Vu doesn’t score any major points for originality with this one, but when you consider this is a Vietnamese epic… then it’s a pretty darn good effort after all. The locations… the sets… the acting… all are very good throughout, and the fight scenes as choreographed by Johnny Nguyen of the earlier Vietnamese action film “The Rebel” are very slick and well done. Can’t say this fighting style is something as unique as Thai Kickboxing, but it certainly looked effective to this lil’ Catgirl.

So basically… I liked this one. It was a nice “old school” swordplay film that reminded me much of the Chinese Wuxia films of the late 90′s… lots of action… lots of “wire fu’… and the sort of simple revenge melodrama that always works when the chips are down. I give “Blood Letter” 4 “Meows” out of 5 for delivering the goods with a surprising level of polish and style that I hadn’t expected from such a modest lil’ film industry like the one in Vietnam. Go a little crazier… give me some more originality… a bit more local flavor… and who knows? We could have another great lil’ movie-makin’ dynamo on our hands.

Now…. the DVD. Well… **ahem**… this wee Catgirl’s fairly certain the “Chinese All region NTSC disc” that Carolyn and I watched this one on was probably a bootleg from the recent Region 2 German PAL release, factory made somewhere in Asia, with separate selectable fansubs added during the mastering process. Not something I was particularly happy to discover… but hey… sometimes when you buy movies waaaaay out there in the wilderness of the wild and wooly Internet that kind of thing happens. It was a fairly well made disc…. but I soooo would have preferred a legitimate copy with all the bells and whistles. (Hint… Hint!! Somebody pick up the rights to this one and do just that! I’d definitely pick up another copy!!)

Trailer? Yep… of course there’s a Trailer…. and this lil’ lady would never let you leave without a peek, now would she?

Our synopsis goes like this: “During the Manchurian-ruled Qing Dynasty, Manchu Emperor Yong Zheng established his own personal secret assassination squad known only as “the Guillotines” to eliminate all who opposed him. Serving the Qing Court unquestioningly, and wielding a powerful flying weapon that can decapitate any enemy in a split second, they have never failed in 348 missions to eliminate their targets since their inception.

But their success has made them arrogant and complacent. Now serving under the new Emperor Qian Long, their latest mission tasks their new team leader Leng and them to rescue kidnapped team member Mu and capture the cunning peasant leader Wolf, a dangerous Han rebel leader who has stubbornly managed to elude custody. With palace official Haidu tagging along, the team follows Wolf to a village. However, the team doesn’t know that Qian Long is also treacherously planning to end the era of the Guillotines by replacing cold weapons with modern firearms and eliminate them to conceal the truth of his rule in Historical record. If they make one false move, they will become the hunted. Facing annihilation, Leng and his Guillotines must outfight and outwit enemies from both sides.”

Sounds pretty good… now if only the new CGI effects and modern film-making tricks will be enough to eclipse the legend of the original Martial Art cult classic. It’s always hard to beat a legend….. So let’s all “Read On” and see if “The Guillotines” is up to the task.

We get off to a promising start. A nighttime commando-style raid by the Guillotines to capture the wily leader of a group of peasant rebels called “The Herders”. Filled with all the martial art goodness and crazy CGI weapon effects to show us all just how gosh darn dangerous the Flying Guillotine really is as a weapon of assassination and terror. It makes for quite the fight-fest…. Ummmm…. and that’s really the first nagging problem with this re-make too. While the “Flying Guillotine” is spectacularly shown to be freaking amazing…. unfortunately it’s all just too darn freaking amazing for a technology supposedly created in ancient medieval China. This Steampunk inspired buzz-saw “Jai-alai Sword of Doom” with it’s boomerang skill-saw blade should be the weapon of choice for people battling. oh… say… Jedi Knights… or maybe vampires… but not simple peasant warriors in Manchu China. Simply put… it’s a jarring anachronism that just plain doesn’t belong and sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb. Your Favorite Catgirl found herself actually missing the quaint “bladed hood on a chain” from the old Shaw Brothers movies that, while maybe dumb as hell, also actually looked like something that might just have gotten made in the China of old. Sometimes flashy and new isn’t the way to go… Sigh.

But at least that means we’ll get a movie filled with crazy fight scenes chock loaded with all that sort of Steampunk gadgetry, right? Ummmm… no. Not really.

Most of our story is less about that nutty weapon and more about the guys who wield it. Specifically the Guillotines field commander, Leng (played by Ethan Ruan). He’s the proverbial “man in the middle”. Originally taken as a child to be one of two companions to the young Emperor Qian Long (played by Wen Zhang), he’s eventually made one of the Guillotines to see that the Emperor has a man inside to keep an eye on that deadly squad of killers. That leads to our Leng becoming a man torn between his duty to his Emperor and childhood friend and the loyalty he feels for his fellow comrades in this lonely tight knit secret group of assassins.

His problems only get worse once our tough band captures rebel leader “Wolf” (played by Huang Xiaoming) and he surprises Leng by professing to “know him”. How? From when? Why from the prophetic dreams he’s had that have revealing to him that our boy Leng is the man who will kill him at some point in the future. OK then…. Now with most people this would be a strange enough statement, but with Wolf you kinda just take his word about it.

Why? Well… he’s an odd rebel leader. With his wild hair, pacifist leanings, and genuine concern for the lives and happiness of the poor downtrodden Han peasants suffering under the oppressive Manchu-run Qing Dynasty he’s definitely not your average Rebel leader. Oooohh!! Did I mention… he’s a healer too… and he has “visions”… and a cool raggedy old robe. I think my sweetie Carolyn summed him up best when she leaned over during the early part of the movie and asked me “Ummmm… Miyu… Is this guy the “Chinese Jesus”, or what?”

What else could I say but, “Yes… yes dear, he is.” (Yeah, yeah… I know… but somehow I suspect I’m already “going to Hell” so what’s a little blasphemy… so there.)

But.. of course… being “Chinese Jesus”, our guy Wolf has also got some badass Kung-Fu skills and it isn’t long before he escapes from his captors and manages to take female Guillotine member Musen (played by Li Yuchun) hostage before making his getaway. On behalf of Musen’s father, who oversees the band, the Guillotines are given the mission to pursue Wolf and recover their comrade along with the help of sinister Court official Haidu (played by Shawn Yue). Unknown to the Guillotines… Haidu is another of the Emperor’s old childhood companions and a friend of Leng’s, but also the man who plans to eliminate the band in the name of sanitizing the history books for his Emperor’s personal memoirs. Oops… yeah… that’s gonna put Leng in a really bad spot now won’t it?

This forms the bulk of our story… As Leng is torn between his Duty and his Loyalty… as well as his awakening respect and understanding for the very real plight of the Han and Wolf’s desire to see them become equals in a revitalized Qing Dynasty that has moved away from it’s vicious past and embraced a “Golden Age” of peace and brotherhood for all.

Naturally… for that to happen.. all the evils of that past must be erased, including the Guillotines themselves, relics of a violent period that the Emperor would just as soon see forgotten, eliminated by his newfangled “Firearm Troop” and the power of gunpowder, bringing China into the Modern World. Sounds deep and meaningful doesn’t it?

Hmmm… now where the Jet Li action film “Hero” pretty much covered that same idea and managed to squeeze in quite a bit of wire-fu wuxia action, I’m sorry to say that “The Guillotines” really doesn’t manage to pull off the same trick. as convincingly or with anywhere near the same amount of cool kung-fu action. Darn….

Yep… most of our film is just endless brooding on the part of our hero Leng as he tries his darned best to “ride those two horses” he’s been stuck with. Ahhh… and unfortunately in a film built around lots and lots of dialog, drama, and character driven scene after scene, the chemistry between most of our players is shallow and unremarkable at best. And the ending? Well… without spoiling things, let’s just say it’s pretty much a bummer… Damn…

At least Carolyn liked this one. I didn’t really have to heart to tell her how disappointing it was compared to it’s earlier incarnation from back in the day. Now for this wee lady… I’m afraid that “The Guillotines” just didn’t deliver the goods, action movie wise. I give it a poor showing of only 2 “Meows” out of 5. With perhaps a little more action… a little more crazy kung-fu…. and a wee bit less revisionist history lessons we might have had something here. But alas… that just wasn’t to be, I guess….

At least the Region 3 Hong Kong DVD release was good… done widescreen and with both Cantonese and Mandarin audio tracks along with the excellent English subtitles I like. Available for around 15$ US most places, it’s still more of a “miss” than a “must buy” unless you are a die-hard Martial Arts fan, but hey… they can’t all be winners… Ah well, better luck next time.

Trailer? Don’t worry. Even if it’s not the greatest Martial Art film ever, Neko’s still got ya covered.

Well… Carolyn had her luncheon with her sister and her parents over the weekend and “let the cat out of the bag” regarding she and I. Both of us have been anxious about this all week and I think both of us knew in our hearts it wasn’t going to go well, that just wanting the best wasn’t going to make it happen. Sometimes when you stand in the middle of Life’s highway and see that big ol’ truck bearing down on you, there’s just no possible way to get out of it’s path, even though you see it coming. You just know you’re going to get hurt… really, really hurt… but you just can’t dodge out of it’s path and the best you can do is hope it doesn’t flatten you…..

Well… that big ol’ truck left tire prints all over us this time for sure. To hear the grisly details you just have to “Read On”, o’ Gentle Visitors.

Yes… despite the careful consideration in setting up the scene for Carolyn’s big revelation, I think that deep down inside she knew that this wasn’t going to be a success. Wanting to do it without me was the biggest indication of that, I think. Carolyn said it was to keep things from being “overwhelming” for her parents… but I know the real reason was her desire to protect me from what she secretly believed would be a horrible scene. It’s the main reason it was planned to happen while they were out for lunch…. in a public setting where her Mother would be least likely to “lose it” in front of a room full of strangers. Thankfully at least that part of the plan worked…..

She left early that Saturday, so she could drive down to Sandra’s and they could go to meet their parents at a nice restaurant in the city. I knew Sandra would do her best to keep Carolyn together and act as mediator as best she could, and I’m so glad she’s the sweet loving sister that she is. Without her love and support, I’m not certain Carolyn would have survived this whole ugly mess. Seriously.

Me? I ended up working that day…. mostly to keep my sanity by trying to distract myself with something… anything.. to keep my mind occupied and stop me thinking about it. Yeah… that’s what I wanted, but not what I expected. I was so damn distracted all day… and I kept checking my cellphone for a message every break I got. Sam knew how worried I was when she caught me doing that…. normally I don’t even remember to carry my phone half the time, let alone ever check it for missed calls. Let’s just say my mind and my heart really weren’t on my job that day.

Eventually, late afternoon, I got that call. When it turned out to be Sandra on the other end of the line, I knew it was bad news. She was calling from the restaurant while Carolyn was in the restroom pulling herself together. The whole thing went worse than an “Open House” for the local peasants at Dr. Frankenstein castle…

Not having been there, I’m only going on what Sandra and Carolyn have told me since…. and I certain they are both making the luncheon sound better than it must have been so as not to upset me too.

There was the prerequisite small talk of course… and eventually, having no real way to transition into such a conversation, Carolyn made the announcement that she was seriously involved with someone. That got her Mom interested but quick… given that she’s been annoying Carolyn for years with endless statements like, “When are you going to settle down and have a nice family like your sister?” or “Why don’t you make more of an effort to meet more nice men… you aren’t going to be young forever you know.” or the dreaded… “You know, dear… I’d like to actually have time being a grandmother for your children too before it’s too late.”

One deep breath later and Carolyn simple said it. “Mom… I’m with the most wonderful person in the world, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, who truly loves me as much as I love… her.”

It took a moment, I guess, for that last part to register while Carolyn tried to rush ahead and spill it all. Me… her… all the good things we have and why it was so important to tell her parents all about it now. Her Mom never gave her the chance to get it all out. Sandra tells me she went livid…. and basically told Carolyn she didn’t want to hear any more of that kind of sick, perverted talk from a daughter of hers. She gave Sandra an earful too….. accusing her of hiding her sister’s sickness and not telling her earlier “when I could have done something about this”. She threw her napkin on the table and told them that Carolyn “disgusted her” and stormed out… leaving Mr. Simms to make the quick statement that Carolyn should take some time to think things out and then call her Mother in a few days to apologize once things “cooled down”. Then he headed out too…

The whole thing must have taken less than 15 minutes. I can only imagine how much the whole thing must have hit my sweetheart like a punch in the gut. Hearing about it over the phone made me so damn angry… and so damn sad for my sweet Carolyn. She deserved a lot better than that from her own mother… Grrrrrr!!!

It took a couple hours for them to make it back up here to our town and by that time my shift at work was over, so I was there to meet them when they arrived at the apartment. They both made it inside, and my sweetheart looked horrible… she was quiet at first but after just a moment of meeting my eyes with hers, her whole face just sort of…. collapsed in on itself….. and she started crying. If I hadn’t been right there I don’t think she’d have even remained standing. Sandra helped me get her to the couch and she stayed with us the rest of the evening till Carolyn got herself under control again before heading home. It was all I could do just to keep myself from losing it too…. but I didn’t want that because I knew that would only make Carolyn feel even worse.

Sunday came and went… and even though we talked about it, and she says she’s fine, I can tell she’s torn up inside over it all. I just want to make things better for her… want to make her smile and be OK again… and I don’t know how. Damn it…

Given this, I’m even more nervous that now it’s my turn. My head and my heart tells me my parents wont be this way with me. But this experience still makes me worry that maybe I don’t know my Mom and Dad as well as I think… and that’s something that just terrifies me.

Anyways…. that’s it for now. I honestly don’t have much else to say about this until things calm down and my sweetie’s smile comes back to tell me she’s going to make it past all this. Till then, all I can do is keep trying to be her Best Friend, her loving Girlfriend, and whatever else it is she needs to make life good again.

Our synopsis? How’s this for the short and sweet plot basics: “Jakkalan is a young girl who earns her living as a bicycle delivery courier using a fixed gear bike as her vehicle. When a very important package goes missing, the gangster who gave her the assignment thinks she has stolen it and tries to hunt her down. Then it’s time for her “tough but loving” uncle Sawang and her awesome “bike-as-weapon’ fighting skills to combine to bail her and her friends out of the dangerous situation.”

Ooooh! Ooooh!! Like this wee “Warrior Princess” is soooo there!! Where’s the popcorn? It’s time for me to snuggle with my sweetie, pop in my new Taiwanese English friendly DVD and get a big helpin’ of that sweet crazy action fun. Naturally, I’ll tell you all about it, so whatcha waitin’ for? It’s time to “Read On!!”

Yep. So… this time out it’s Taiwan that finally came to my rescue with the first decently subtitled official DVD available for this Thai film. Now mind you… it had also come out in Australia recently as well, but there it was dubbed into English rather than subtitled, and…. inexcusably for any true Thai movie fan…. was completely missing the original Thai language audio. No original Thai audio track? Say what?? Nope…. now that’s definitely not the way this lil’ lady likes to roll on “Movie Nite”… not at all. Thankfully they seem to agree with me in Taiwan, and so that’s where I plunked down my hard earned money for a look at this one.

So with a title like “This Girl Is Bad-Ass!!” you probably figure we’re going to be in for quite a bit of that Thai flavored brutal kickboxing action that Thai action films are becoming know for among Martial Art fans worldwide. Well… yes and no… In “Jakkalan”, the emphasis isn’t so much on the drama and action, but rather on the more comedic elements that Thai audiences like so much in their movie going entertainment. Not to say that there isn’t sufficient action on hand to showcase Jeeja’s formidable kickboxing talents, but that action definitely moves to a supporting role this time out. So much so, that having watched it as a foreign viewer, I can see why it took a bit longer to surface on DVD outside of Thailand itself.

Thai humor takes a bit of getting used to if you aren’t Thai yourself and “Jakkalan” is stuffed to the brim with it, especially given it’s director Petthai “Mum Jokmok” Wongkumlao, who you’ll recognize from a lot of other Thai films like Panna Rittikrai’s “Ong Bak” and it’s sequels as well as his own comedy/action mash-up “The Bodyguard” back in 2004. Much of the rest of the cast here are also other Thai comedians, friends and colleagues of his all crammed into the plot in an effort to maximize the comedic elements for the domestic Thai audience which loves their brand of goofy antics. For a non-Thai viewer unfortunately the results are a bit less hilarious… thus explaining perhaps the reason it’s taken so darn long to reach a DVD release outside of Thailand itself.

Our main story… such as it is… is that our main heroine Jakkalan (played by Jeeja Yanin) is a carefree roguish lil’ orphan tomboy making her living as a bicycle messenger in Bangkok. She’s being looked after by her uncle Sawang (played by Petchtai Wongkamlao) who has his hands full raising her while making his own living selling DVD’s out of a crappy street stall and hiding his tragic past as some kind of hit-man for one of the Bangkok Mobs. She’s foolish enough to start stealing from the gangster clients who’s money and merchandise she handles and ends up bringing down a world of bad stuff for her Uncle and her friends at the messenger service. Naturally this simple plot means it’ll be up to our Jeeja and those crazy kickboxing skills of hers to save the day and set things right once she learns the error of her ways. Jeeja is winsome enough to pull off her character and it’s nice to see that she’s come a long way acting wise since her breakthrough roll in “Chocolate”.

Not surprisingly, Jeeja is the standout of the entire film, and it’s a shame that she’s not given more actual screen time to show off those new acting skills. Unfortunately a lot of the film’s run-time is given over to that huge cast of comedians as they chew up the scenes with oodles of that odd lowbrow Thai flavored humor I mentioned earlier. I can’t say it’s for the better either. Much of the jokes fly completely over your head if you weren’t born in Thailand or haven’t spent a good number of years immersing yourself in the culture. Some of it is also that kind of humor that relies on wordplay in Thai or one of it’s dialects which always gets lost in translation leaving you reading the subtitles and going “Huh?”.

Luckily, yours truly has spent those years learning some of that stuff through a deluge of Thai film watching, but I can definitely say that much of the antics on hand had my poor Carolyn scratching her head and impatiently wishing for the more “action-y” parts to show up.

When they do, “This Girl Is Bad-Ass!!” certainly lives up to it’s title. Jeeja is in top form and we get plenty of the super well choreographed stunt and fight sequences that Thai action films are known for. Always creative, the best of these take the whole bicycle theme of our film to levels of absolute insanity and showcase petite lil’ Jeeja in action the like of which your Favorite Catgirl can only watch in amazed envy. Here the film is definitely at it’s best and definitely left this wee Catgirl wishing they could have crammed in a bit more of that kind of fun.

Don’t get me wrong… all in all “Jakkalan” isn’t a bad film, or even one that non-Thais shouldn’t be bothered to track down as long as you look at it as what it is rather than what it’s not. It’s not “Chocolate”….. it’s not “Raging Phoenix”… it’s Jeeja taking a bit of a risk to try to step outside the simple label of “kickboxing girl” and see if there isn’t something more for her to do in film. Comedy certainly worked for Jackie Chan’s career… so why not give it a try? (…. And, as my sweetie tells me, she’s certainly a lot more cute than Jackie, especially when she’s all dolled up too. But then my sweet Carolyn does have a certain weakness for adorably petite Asian women… )

So… to wrap it all up, what’s my overall feeling for this one then? Well… it wasn’t quite the bone-crunching slug-fest I thought it was going to be, and the weird Thai humor fell a bit flat for this very “American” Catgirl, but all-in-all I ended up liking it fairly well for the experience that it was, movie-wise. I give it 3 “Meows” out of 5 for being a serviceable, if not amazing movie watchin’ experience. When Jeeja finishes her recently announced sequel for “Chocolate”, you can be certain this wee lady will definitely be back for more.

The Taiwanese DVD release for this is adequate, with a Region 3 Widescreen presentation, the original Thai audio, and both Chinese and English subtitles. (Although my DVD player erroneously identified those English Subs as a second Chinese one… wrongly thank goodness!!) It’s available most places for around 15-20$ US and if that’s not to your liking, then you can always wait for the Region 1 release, due out from Magnolia this May for around 20-25$ US.

Ah ha!!…. And before this wee Catgirl says adiéu, how about an English friendly Trailer to get you in the mood for some frisky kickboxing femme fun, o’ Gentle Visitors? Enjoy!!

Sigh…

You’ve probably noticed by my continued absence of late that my Seasonal Blahs still have me in the dreaded Mongolian Headlock of Death. Sorry all…. I’ve really so wanted to be more active, perky and fun, but I honestly just haven’t had it in me of late.

Right now… outside my window the snow that has been piling up for months is in that nasty process of turning to wet slushy crap, with all the “magic” of Frosty the Snowman being hit by a perfectly delivered napalm strike. Add in the mud, and it’s like my whole world is covered with all the worlds leftover chocolate snow cones. But nowhere near as tasty…. Sigh…. but that’s Spring hereabouts.

In the middle of all this yucky wintery “afterbirth” it occurs to me that along with not really keepin’ up on my Reviews of late, I also haven’t done any Diary posts since… well… waaaaaaaay back before Valentines Day. Well…. Then it’s high time I did somethin’ about that.

So if you’ve wondered about the boring personal life of a certain lazy Catgirl, let’s get to it and by all means, “Read On”!!

Mmmmm. Yes…. Valentines Day. Now I’ve been meaning to dish on this, but I’d been waiting to see how things worked out first… but with recent developments, I guess now is as good a time as any to fill all my Gentle Visitors in on my experience this time out…. And, much as it’s become these last few years, it again turned out to be an important day for lil’ ol’ me. Not just a romantic holiday for all lovers in love, but also this year it marks Carolyn’s and my 5th anniversary together as a “couple” instead of just BFF’s. Whew…. Still can’t believe it’s been that long… and that we’re still so darn happy together ♥ ♥!!

This year we didn’t go all crazy though. We’d spent altogether too darn much on each other for Christmas…. and as always, my sweet devoted Carolyn really went over the top for my birthday, so that it didn’t seem right to splurge away even more money to celebrate something we knew we’d have just as much enjoyment out of by keeping things quiet and personal… selfishly making the day be just for the two of us.

As it fell on a Thursday this year, we both should have been working that day…. but both Carolyn and I “called in sick” that morning and played hooky. (Not that it really fooled anyone…. especially when we’d both made arrangements to see that things got properly covered at our respective jobs…. Both of us, just too darn responsible and grown-up after-all… Hehehehe!!)

Mind you… all cuddled close together with soft morning sunlight peeping through the curtains, the romantic possibilities of that quiet serenity did have both of us a bit flushed and running a temperature…. so naturally the only safe and prudent thing to do was linger in bed for an hour or so. Just to be sure…. Even if resting wasn’t exactly what either of us had in mind…

When we finally did get up, the rest of our day was basically spent lazing around the apartment, me in my flannel PJ’s and Carolyn in her workout sweats sipping coffee, nibbling on cookies, and watchin’ old movies on TV. I think Ting Ting was confused as to how exactly the Weekend had snuck up again so early, but in her kitty-cat way just went with it all. Gotta love the “Zen of the Kitty”…

Yes… and lots more flirting and snuggling throughout the day whenever the crazy mood struck us… maybe even a wee bit too much of that, as eventually it led to Carolyn making the impulsive decision to tell her Mom and Dad all about us. Ohhh, crap….

“Seriously Miyu…. I’m really going to do it.”, she blurted out while I was straddling her lap on the couch so we could be face to face while we kissed. “They need to know…. about you and me…. and how this is what I really want for the rest of my life. I’m just so tired of hiding it all… and I want to show you just how much I never want to leave you… ever.”

Now while that was about the sweetest promise Carolyn could ever make, I have to say it scared me absolutely silly with a flash of almost painful panic. This was most assuredly not the best decision to be made on the spur of the moment in an instant of blissful romantic impulse. Especially since I’ve already actually met Carolyn’s parents before… her Mom in particular.

It was years and years ago… back when we were roommates in college. I ended up going home with her for mid-winter break our freshman semester because the dorms closed and a trip for me all the way back to California was waaaay out of the question at the time. (Poor starving college student with limited cash…. you all know the drill… ) Carolyn had assured me that staying at her home was fine and so off we went. I’m guessing she neglected to OK that with Mom first though….

Not that I was made to feel unwelcome mind you upon arrival…. but let’s just say that Carolyn’s Mom is one of those people that likes to feel that everything in her life is…. predictable, orderly, and always well under her control. Last minute unexpected guests for a couple of days are definitely none of those things. Yep. Mrs. Simms was…. hmmmm… very organized. Very disciplined. Very uptight. And most of all… very religious. Picture Margaret Thatcher combined with the sternest Sunday School teacher you knew as a kid…. and you’d be darn close to Carolyn’s Mom. It’s hard for me to understand just how they can look so much alike, and yet both Carolyn and her sister Sandra are nothing like their Mom, personality-wise. Makes me wish I’d gotten a better chance to get to know Mr. Simms a little more during that visit, but he was gone most of the time on business that week.

Ummmm…. yeah. I just knew I had to reign my sweetie in a bit. “Whoa… wait a minute. You don’t need to prove anything to me. I don’t want you maybe making a big mistake on account of my feelings.” I leaned in and pinned her back to the couch looking her in the eyes while I tried to talk sense to her, “If you want to do this… and I’m not saying you shouldn’t… I want it to be because it feels right for you, not because you think I need it. At the very least, I think you ought to talk to Sandra first before doing anything.”

I hugged her and made her absolutely promise me to think about it some more before going ahead. I reminded her that as her “Girlfriend” I ached for that acceptance too, but as her “Best Friend” I definitely didn’t want her messing up her family over us… not if I had any say in the matter.

All that serious Drama had both of us pretty shaken by that point. Luckily it wasn’t hard to put things in a lighter mood with a little more… **ahem**… playful teasing… to remind her that it was our anniversary after-all. Yep…. Gotta keep your priorities in order….

*****

The rest of that particular day went very relaxingly and nicely indeed. Once we got back to our daily routine, I half expected my sweetie to give up that whole crazy notion of dealing with her Mom once she had a bit longer to think about it… but nope. I got a call a week or so later from Sandra telling me that she and Carolyn had talked long and hard about just that very issue only a day or so afterwards. Sandra had much the same worries as me…. but tells me Carolyn has pretty much made up her mind this is actually going to happen. I’m a bit torn about it all, as Carolyn told her sister that it’s something she wants to do without having to bring me to share the moment. Doesn’t that just sound ominous?

She’s trying to protect me… I know that in my heart… but I couldn’t bear the thought of her doing it alone. Thankfully, that’s not going to happen. Sandra says that she going to arrange things next Saturday so she can go along and have a visit with her parents too just to be there in case things don’t go well. She’s the best sister ever… and I’m so glad she cares so much, but I’m still a bit apprehensive and will be till it happens. (And by “apprehensive”, I mean practically scared to death…)

*****

So… then…. add in my recent strong sense of “Seasonal Depression” and you can pretty much guess what kind of month it’s been. Goodness…. I’ll be so darn glad when Spring is finally here… assuming of course my Sweetie survives her “coming out”, that is. And…. if she does… it’ll be my turn next. I can’t very well let Carolyn do this without being just as willing to tell my own parents what their daughter has been up to romantically for these last several years. I’m not as scared that they’ll go all ballistic about it… not like I’m expecting Carolyn’s Mom to go… but it will change things between us all. Gone for Mom will be the idea that I’ll eventually find a nice Japanese guy to settle down with and give my her the grandchildren she’s sorta always expected. Now my dad…. I’m honestly not completely sure just how he’ll take things. They’ll probably both be somewhat confused and a little disappointed with me…. but I’m hoping that’s the worst that will happen. I honestly don’t even want to consider anything worse than that…..

Damn…. I just want the warm days of Spring to begin and things to lighten up for me. I really need that. I do, I do, I do…. Anyway…. thanks Gentle Visitors for letting me unload all this stuff, it’s probably not the most inspiring post of the season, but hopefully it’ll all work out and until next time, your Favorite Catgirl princess wishes you warmer days and happier times and “Meow, meow till then!!”

Our synopsis? Well that goes like this: “Several years ago, Tina (Andi Eigenmann) was sent away to the United States to live with her aunt because of a tragic and horrific incident involving her parents kept as an embarrassing family secret and never adequately explained to her. Grown up and in need of a fresh start to her life, she moves back to the Philippines and into their old home. Unfortunately for her, she’s not alone in the house. The kitchen is home to a demonically possessed, human-eating refrigerator. Tina must dig into her hidden past to discover the truth about what really happened to her parents, and to somehow find a way to defeat the infernal appliance before it is too late.”

A movie with an evil refrigerator with it’s own nutty “Cthulhu” style Hentai tentacle demon? Think this wee Catgirl could pass on this one? Are you thinking you just gotta see it too? Well then hunker on down and let your Favorite Movie Lovin’ Catgirl Princess tell you all about it.

Now…. first up… this isn’t a Japanese movie, it’s a Philippine one…. so all slimy  demonic tentacles aside, with Pinoy film sensibilities on hand, you just know there wont be any “naughty tentacle action” to speak of here. Yes…. Now Neko knows that’s a big disappointment for many of you out there…. you naughty, naughty guys. But that’s just too darn bad, so there…. 

Nope this particular story draws more from an old Philippine horror anthology film back in 1984 called “Shake, Rattle & Roll”… an anthology series sooooo popular there that it’s been a regular yearly film fixture ever since. Yours truly hasn’t seen that particular Pinoy horror classic…. at least not yet, but hey…. I’m a persistent lil’ Catgirl so who knows? It could happen…. Hehehehe!!

Anyway, what’s the story on hand here then? Ok, so in this one, our heroine, Tina Benitez (played by Andi Eigenmann) has returned to the Philippines and her ancestral home to escape from the unwanted attentions of a would-be boyfriend and full time asshole (played by Baron Geisler). (Don’t worry Gentle Visitors… He shows up and gets eaten later in the movie… Yay!! ) She’s always wondered why she had been sent away by her father to live in the US with her aunt, and… as might be expected in a horror movie…. has always been kept in the dark about that big dark secret in her past. Even though her aunt keeps trying to keep her from going, it’s inevitable that she’ll find out all those grisly details once she finds her way back to the old family home. So what’s that secret?

Well…. it seems that just about everybody but our heroine knows that when she was little, her Mom (played by Janice de Belen) just kind of…. well…. went completely bat-shit crazy with jealousy and killed Tina’s Dad (played by Joel Torre), the family maid, and a bunch of other women she thought were his mistresses with a big ol’ knife. Not only that… but she used an evil old book to cast a satanic ritual to summon up a demon to help her. (Because sometimes a big ol’ knife just isn’t enough revenge, I guess…)

Naturally there was a police investigation at the time… and even a tough-as-nails Police Inspector named Detective Albay (played by Ronnie Lazaro) to try to solve the crime. But when the demonic powers of Evil are involved you just know even the toughest “Dirty Harry-est” cop ain’t gonna come out on top. Luckily for Tina, she was soooo outta there before the murders went down , her Dad disappeared, and her Mom died while hiding from the cops inside their now demon possessed refrigerator. By the middle of this movie I’m betting she wishes she’d stayed back in the good ol’ US of A.

But we wouldn’t have much of a movie then would we? Oh… and her homecoming isn’t all bad…. she makes friends with her kooky neighbor Celine (played by Venus Raj) and she also does manage to rekindle her romantic feeling for electrician, James (played by JM De Guzman) an old schoolfriend who’s carried a secret crush for sweet Tina all these years since she’s been gone away. He was a geeky overweight boy that all the other kids picked on but who the pretty and popular Tina always had a soft spot for. Luckily for her… he’s all grown up and now he’s just the hunky sort of chap a girl like her needs to lean on when that creepy ‘fridge along with the ghost of her crazy Mom starts trying to eat her.

Yep. Now that big ol’ Frigidaire may look like a leftover from an old episode of “I Love Lucy” but trust me… it isn’t. Big enough to be a coffin…. built like a tank… and sometimes filled with O.J., yogurt and yummy looking noodles, other times stuffed full of severed body parts and slimy demon tentacles. Hmmmm…. once that starts happening, I’m thinkin’ Tina seriously needs the Philippine version of the Exorcist, but quick.

Eventually we do get around to that, but first there’s plenty of the expected horror elements packed in to fill out the story. We get to meet the great ex-detective and now loony hermit Albay living out his days as a one-eyed “Rambo” like dude waaaay out in the provinces. He fills in some of the true details of Tina’s tragic family story that most of the rumors got wrong… and later her supposedly deceased Dad pops back in all messed up and scarred by an attack from Tina’s Mom all those years ago to fill in the rest. He’s been hiding out all these years you see… keeping an eye on the old family home and trying to work up the nerve to deal with his wife’s murderous ghost and the evil refrigerator once and for all.

Yes, yes…. that all rolls around before we wrap those credits, and pretty much as you might expect. So how did this one end up feeling for this wee lady?

Not too bad actually. Director Rico Ilarde didn’t stray too far from his source material, but still manages to put all the right touches to what is, for the most part, a pretty by-the-numbers horror effort. He’s got a good eye for what works…  what doesn’t… and manages the difficult trick of investing our “inanimate object” with a fair amount of atmospheric character all it’s own. The cinematography on display is good too, especially given the smaller budgets that are on hand for such Philippine horror films, and the acting throughout is decent, if not amazing. I mean…. remember… it’s a movie about a demonic refrigerator…. not Shakespeare . Anyway…. at least both Carolyn and I ended up enjoying things quite nicely on “Movie Nite” and that’s really all I ask for in a film, so we were happy. With that, I can easily give this one 3 well deserved “Meows” out of 5. But then… there’s the distinct possibility that I’m just nutty for silly stuff like this….

The official Philippine DVD is great as always, with nice accurate English subtitles and can be found easily for the reasonably nice price of 15-19$ US most places. Not a film that many will rush right out to grab, but if nutty Asian flavored horror is your thing, this wee Catgirl thinks you’ll probably enjoy a look.

Yep… I’ve got the Official Trailer for those of you that want a little “Haunted Appliance” action of your very own to whet your appetite for this oddball Horror offering… Enjoy!!

Our Synopsis? How this then: “All the world knows the story of  innocent brother and sister, Hansel & Gretel and their nearly tragic woodland excursion to a wicked witch’s candy cottage deep in the woods one dark and spooky night. But… what happened to them after that? Why, they grew up of course… and traded in their carefree youth to become the world’s most hardened deadly professional Witch Hunters in all the land. Now… wherever evil lurks, whenever children are at risk, there will be a fearless avenging duo of deadly killers to put things right and see that all wicked witches get their just deserts!”

After the recent fairytale cinema “re-imaginings”, like “The Brothers Grimm”, “Little Red Riding Hood” and “Snow White & The Huntsman” it seems everybody wants to do their own retake on a favorite old story, and what could be more perfect than a story about child eating old Hags and the leather clad siblings who hunt them? Think this crazy Catgirl would ever want to miss that sort of silly goofy movie fun? Nawwww….

But the real question is, of course, what did yours truly think of all the medieval butt-kicking action as our frisky brother & sister open up that family sized can of whup-ass on all the evil witches they can get their hands on? Guess you’ll wanna “Read On” and find out….

This wasn’t just a “Movie Nite Feature” for lil’ ol’ me…. it was also a chance to finally throw off the generally “blehhh” feelings I’ve been stuck with since coming down sick last month and get some nice quality time with my sweetie and enjoy an evening out for a change to combat the cabin fever we’ve both been afflicted with as Winter winds down in our parts. Surprisingly… being such a goofy fan of movies in general…. it’s actually rare for me to go out to see one on the big screen anymore. I used to go to the movies quite a bit when I was a girl, but now that I’m grown up it’s just gotten easier to catch most of my films on DVD these days. Being a fan of weird foreign films only reinforces that, given that most of the ones I want to see don’t ever get released to cinemas here in the states outside of larger cities. But… with a girlfriend who aches to see a movie once in a while… any movie… where they actually do speak English throughout and there are no subtitles to be seen anywhere, I actually do manage to catch one now and again on the big screen. And…. as it turns out, this one wasn’t actually all that hard a sell for me to convince Carolyn to watch either. With a vibe strongly reminiscent of “Van Helsing” crossed with “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, she was actually quite interested to see it herself. (She’s a huge “Buffy” fangirl…. )

So what’s the general idea with this one then? Well Norwegian director Tommy Wirkola (of Nazi Zombie film “Dead Snow” fame) took the old German fairytale, gave it some of that crazy anachronistic action comedy found in the old “Hercules” and “Xena” TV series, spiced it with a lot of Steampunk weaponry, Asian wuxia inspired combat, and let it all run wild for a good 88 minutes of mind numbing exploitative film-making where just about anything goes and nothing could be considered too over-the-top. Sound confusing?

No… not really. It’s all very easy to follow… perhaps even a bit too easy… with a cast of somewhat simplistic and cardboard character stereotypes doing all the expected “action-y” things you’d expect in a film like this. This is probably the biggest problem this film really has when looked at critically. There really are no surprises with our cast list… and no real chance to see them grow beyond these stock character types into something novel or new. Too bad, there’s a lot of potential fun in the idea behind this film.

I did rather like the spunky duo for the most part, and especially felt a sort of guilty jealousy at Gemma Arterton’s cool confident femme fatale approach to the role of Gretel. She’s a real “hands on” sort of lady when it comes to the profession of Witch Slaying…. just the sort of role model this “Warrior Princess” wannabee always wanted to be when she was a wee lass. But for all of her bad-ass coolness and Jeremy Renner’s smart-ass womanizing antics as her brother and fellow hunter, Hansel, neither really comes across as any more than just that shallow image. Supposedly, these two have a unbreakable brother/ sister bond due to their tragic mysterious loss of their parents as kids, but no real time gets spent to highlight that side of their relationship. In short… there’s no “heart” to these characters to make you become invested in them as a viewer.

Mind you… our local villagers are just as bland and undefined too as well as our evil coven of witches, led by the “Grand Witch” Muriel (played by Famke Janssen). There is a lot of interesting questions completely ignored by our story that could have made for some excellent scenes. For one… although the film makes it clear early on that witches are easy to detect by the corrupting degeneration that magic use has on their bodies, apparently a “Grand Witch” can use her powers to mask herself with beauty and move among the people unsuspected. Given this, I had sort of hoped to see Muriel working to undermine our duo throughout the story in her human guise as one of the villagers until she was unmasked in some dramatic fashion…. had expected to see what sort of “day job” she had at the very least. But… nope.

Not that I didn’t enjoy what was on hand for the show… it’s only that this one probably wont end up becoming a “classic” film, warmly or fondly remembered years from now by hordes of fans and spawning imitators of it’s own or donating any new lasting ideas to the genre. Sigh….

Now… on the plus side, the “action-y” bits are really well done. The Witches are just freaky bad-ass by themselves… with lots of evil spells… flying brooms… magic wands that double as ray-guns…. supernatural strength, speed, and agility… honking big ol’ Trolls as minions… and they all seem to have studied kung-fu at the “Chow Yun Fat Crouching Tiger School of Wuxia Butt-kicking”. Seriously. These ladies are a whole lot more than just butt ugly old hags that like to eat kids… it seems all of them can mix it up like psychotic MMA fighters on crack. Thank goodness Hansel & Gretel have some crazy mad hand-to-hand combat skills of their very own…. as well as the biggest collection of crazy Steampunk weapons and gadgets outside of Van Helsing’s Vatican supplied toys. Do either of these story elements make all that much sense? Nawwwww… but boy, do they make for some fun looking fight scenes. And basically that’s pretty much what this movie is all about.

So what is the basic story here then? Well… basically… it seems Muriel and her evil coven is planning on holding the big honking Evil Sabbath ritual of “The Blood Moon”, a rare lunar conjunction, which requires sacrificing six boys and six girls, each born on a separate month to allow Muriel and her evil “Sisters in Sin” to finally make themselves all proof against the purifying power of Fire. Fire retardant witches? Ohhhhh crap… now that can’t be a good thing, right?

Luckily, our heroes have no intention of letting them get away with this plan and so the big ol’ fight is on, with Hansel and his sister finally discovering the truth behind the disappearance of their Mother and Father all those years ago along with uncovering the secret of their seemingly miraculous immunity to the mind influencing spells of witches. Oh… and they even manage to find out that for all their hatred of all things “magical” and “witchy”… it seems not all Witches are Evil…..

Yes… pretty much as both Carolyn and I… as well as most everybody else watching figured out… our two heroes are, themselves, the children of one of these “White Witches”… yep, those earth friendly wiccan women who know all about healing and fertility and the “good” powers of magic, pledged never to use their spells to harm humans. One of the required elements of the evil ritual just happens to be the heart of a White Witch, sliced from her chest at the culmination of the Sabbath. Darn…. guess it really sucks to be Gretel, given that.

Thankfully, Hansel has caught the eye of Mina (played by Pihla Viitala)… a local White Witch nearly burnt at the stake by the crazy local Sheriff until the duo saved her from him and his paranoid deputies. There’s a really nice potential for a sweet bit of romance… but unfortunately it seem they needed more screen time for the butt-kicking so this all gets somewhat abbreviated and pushed to the back burner. A shame… since we both were in the mood for a little romantic sub plot by the middle of this one. At least she’ll be on hand to lend some magical support once the gigantic blockbuster climax rolls around.

The film builds to that big crescendo… as every Evil Witch left in the world seems to show up for the big ritual and our heroes arm up with their allies to climb up to the old stone circle on the haunted mountain and go all “Rambo” on their asses, save the kids, kill the witches, and take revenge for the deaths of their parents once and for all. It’s done in one big, gruesomely fun bloodbath… I’ll give them that.

So… all together we ended up enjoying ourselves, even if the experience really was nothing more than a vicarious bit of cinema junk food. I can still give this one a very solid 3 “Meows” out of 5. It’s not a risk taking film… it’s not a great “character piece”… but it is a fun bloody romp made with sufficient skill and story to entertain on a basic level. Hey… it gave us a nice evening out together… and that’s what we were hoping for so that makes it a winner in my book. All our “Movie Nites” out should definitely be as much fun…..

Oh, yes…. dear visitor and as always, there’s a Trailer of course, and so here it goes!

Our synopsis goes along these lines: “After suffering from a terrifying vehicular accident, Rosa, with her two sons Amiel and Rommel, transfers to the old Pension House owned by Rosa’s aunt. Rosa hopes that the new place will heal the rift that has existed between her and Rommel since the accident. As she seeks to move on from that tragedy, she finds herself being haunted by the vengeful and faceless ghost of a young girl brutally raped and killed in the Pension house years before. She discovers that the ghost targets those for death who victimize women in similar fashion and that Rommel himself might be implicated in a similar crime. When Rosa attempts to escape from the ghost and save her son from both the vengeance of the spirit as well as the police, she is forced to face the bitter truth that she has been secretly avoiding since the tragic accident.”

Yep. “Ghostly Vengeance From Beyond the Grave”… a little brotherly rivalry… maybe even some post-traumatic mental illness thrown in for good measure. Certainly sounds like this wee lady’s cup of tea, Hehehe!! Think it might be yours? Then naturally you’ll wanna “Read On” and find out if hunting down a copy for your very own might just be in your future….

So… the first thing you’ll want to know about this one is… is it actually a ghost story or just one of those films where the main character is… well… merely unhinged and hallucinating throughout the whole story. I’ve been forced to sit through quite a lot of these lately (Yep…. That’s right Chinese and Hindi Filmmakers… I’m lookin’ at you guys… ).

Not that I’m adverse to a little bit of “bait & switch” movie-wise, now and again just to shake things up… but it certainly seems to yours truly that the whole plot notion of making a “ghost story without any real ghosts” has been quite overused of late. Thankfully, I can tell you that this is not the case with “Amorosa”. Mind you, the story is a bit convoluted and somewhat simplistically contrived at times. But if you are willing to pay attention, things aren’t too difficult to follow.

Our tale revolves mostly around Rosa (played by Angel Aquino). Basically she’s got herself one dilly of a problem. She’s the doting mother of two boys… Amiel and Rommel (played by Martin del Rosario and Enrique Gil respectively) and as fate would have it, Amiel has inherited a genetic disorder which slowly steals his eyesight eventually rendering him blind. Rosa blames herself for his unfortunate condition and dedicates herself to keeping him safe and happy. It’s a tough job… and a responsibility she also puts on her other son Rommel as well. He’s a good brother and does what he can to help out, but you just know this all is going to put a strain on his relationship with his Mom…..

Eventually the boys grow up, and just when Amiel finds a place to break away from his family and lift the burden of watching out for him it all goes to heck in a hand-basket. His Mom’s not crazy about him leaving, especially to go to a church sponsored school for the blind and while arguing with him, they all get into a terrible automobile crash. She’s thrown from the wreck, but the boys are trapped with the car teetering on the ragged edge of a cliff. Helpful locals try to save them, but it looks like only one will be able to be pulled from the car before it falls…. She gets asked, “Which one do we try to save first?” Yeah… I know. Kinda stupid, but that’s our big plot widget designed to create animosity, tension,  and fray away at the already strained bonds of family. Especially once she chooses Amiel over his brother right in front of both boys…. Awwww crap.

Things jump forward… and the family moves to the old pension house her now deceased aunt has left them, trying to somehow forget the accident and move forward. Pity the place is haunted. Oh yeah. Big time.  Seems a young girl named Sandra (played by Empress Schuck) was raped and killed here some years back and now her spirit lingers about, seeking to punish all men who hurt or mistreat women. It isn’t long before that become more than a gruesome rumor for our little family either.

But first…. It’s “Spoiler Alert” time, as we really can’t go much further in this review without giving some fair important things away. OK…. although Rosa seems to be struggling to keep a connection with Rommel while continuing to favor poor blind Amiel, the truth is her cheese sorta “slid off it’s cracker” waaaaaay back at the accident scene. Oh yeah…. you see instead of rescuing both boys successfully, the locals did only manage to grab one to safety…. Rommel. Yep… noble Amiel sacrificed himself to save his brother, even hearing that Mom wanted him saved first. He died that day and all the time he’s been shown wandering about the pension house he’s either been a ghost… or more likely a figment of poor Rosa’s tortured mind.

Rommel? Well, naturally he’s angry at the idea that his Mom would have let him die to save Amiel, as well as tortured by the thought that his brother was more than willing to die to save him. Good thing the little local girl Amanda (played by Jane Oineza) he met here years ago and had a brief crush on still lives here. Even better? She’s all grown up… sweet, pretty, and still remembering fondly both him and the little romance they almost shared. Hmmmm? So what could possibly go wrong?

How about the almost perquisite “Bad Boy” crowd that every angry young man starts running wild with when there are problems at home? Oh yes…. and naturally those nasty bastards will try to rape sweet Amanda and frame Rommel for the crime. Ummm? Won’t that piss off the spirit of Sandra and bring down her ghostly wrath? You betcha!!

Add in an angry Police Inspector who was a young boy back when Sandra was killed… who witnessed the crime and has always held himself responsible for being too weak to save her and you just know our boy Rommel is in for some serious problems. Luckily, the ghost of Sandra knows what’s what…. and she makes very, very certain the right people get their just desserts in proper grisly fashion. Troubled young guy, Rommel? Don’t worry about him…. he’s got a ghostly bro still looking out for him from the “Great Beyond” so you just know it’s all gonna work out for him and Amanda in the end.

So will he and his Mom sort things out? Will our ghost finally find peace? Yeah… yeah…. you just know that’s a given, and all in around an hour and a half too. Not too shabby , eh?

Can’t really say this one was a big surprise all in all, it pretty much sticks to all the expectations, and even the “I see dead people” stuff isn’t really all that surprising or novel, but hey…. it still works. It’s simple… serviceable… well acted and filmed. Easily worth an evening’s watch if all things ghostly and weird (like for a certain Catgirl…) are your thing. I can give “Amorosa: The Revenge” a middle of the road 3 out of 5 “Meows”. As always… the Philippine DVD is excellent for the 15-19$ US price, presented in widescreen, with perfect English subtitles on board for your viewing pleasure.

Ahhhh, yes…. the Trailer. Don’t think I’d let you all go without a peek at one of those now, would I?